Are you and your partner missing that spark? Has the once fiery passion that burned between you like a throbbing Adonis somehow dulled into the cool flaccidity of Meatloaf’s neck flap? Even if you were forced to bring great shame to your house by answering “yes” to the previous questions, don’t despair! There is hope for rescuing your flagging sex life if you’re willing to be courageous and open-minded and accept our teachings, which have been vetted by several extraordinarily wealthy and adulated celebrities, only one of whom has since died in a bizarre accident of sexual adventurism.
Engage in Role Play
Role-playing in the bedroom is a great way to electrify even the most deflated penis and arid vagina. Assign roles to yourself and your partner and act out the wildest fantasy you can imagine! For example, you might be a courageous bard, and your partner, a barb-witted rogue, raiding a wizard’s keep for a hoard of goblin treasure. Or perhaps you’re the Whirpool repair technician.
Scream at Your Penis
Investing a solid half hour into hurling damaging, acidic insults at your frightened penis will make it hungrily seek out any form of shelter in a desperate attempt to hide from the world and rebuild its shattered ego. This process could take hours, which means hours of uninterrupted excitement for your partner! (Do not be alarmed if Linkin Park’s “In The End” begins to emanate softly from within your partner’s body – this is a common side effect and can be treated with the application of drugstore makeup and vampire anime.)
Has the sight of your partner’s naked body faded from the exciting promise of two souls about to collide in an explosion of ecstasy, like eager teenage lovers rolling in a field of sunlit roses, to the disenchanting commitment of grim duty, like a hungry shark painfully swallowing an octopus in a touch tank at SeaWorld? Eye tattoos are an elegant solution! Simply carve the image of a more attractive person directly onto your cornea, and you’ll always be in the mood! The procedure can be done via high-intensity lasers, or, for the couple on a budget, a straightened paper clip, and a ballpoint pen.
Have Sex With Other People
There’s one tried-and-true method that never fails to cure the exsanguinated passion of two people who can no longer stand to be naked together, and who regard intimacy as some sort of job interview for a position they’re not even interested in but to which they are paying lip service in order to maintain the avenues of emergency sex should an unexpected erection happen to occur. And that method is simply this: start having sex with different people. Just imagine it – what if your lover, whose nude slopes and valleys you’ve long since memorized like a 17th-century cartographer, were suddenly an entirely different, more attractive configuration of naked body parts? Don’t be worried about hurting your partner’s feelings. Odds are they arrived at this conclusion long ago, and are merely waiting for you to suggest it.
Normally, you would have to pay thousands of dollars to have these tips recited to you by a Hollywood guru, but we are sharing them here at no cost to you because your happiness and the ad revenue you generate are very important to us. You should now be able to step back into the bedroom with confidence, possessing all the tools you need to reinvigorate your love life. Once you implement our advice, we guarantee that you will never have to worry about satisfying your partner’s sexual needs ever again.