The Best Abrasive Sponges for Detoxing Your Filthy Penis

When it comes to personal hygiene, many of us men run into the same problem. How do we keep our penises clean when they’re such dirty lil’ things? Whether it’s bad bacteria or naughty boy thoughts, our privates are a breeding ground for all sorts of unsavory situations.  That’s why it’s so important to pick the proper products when washing off our personal shame.

Sure, soft cloths and soothing gels may feel nice, but that grimy little monster will still be filled with filth when you’re done. No, if you want to teach your putrid peter a lesson, you’re going to need to really go to town on it. Thankfully, there are a variety of abrasive sponges on the market to help keep the shame at bay. We may be bad boys, but our wee-wees still deserve a good washing. 

Bristle Brand Scrubbing Sponge

Right off the bat, if a sponge was made for the human skin, it won’t get the job done. You aren’t looking to exfoliate. You’re looking to punish. And that’s totally normal, by the way. Every man feels the same way. I know I do, and I’m as normal as they come. Don’t take my word for it. Just ask my mother. 

That’s why I stick to these abrasive sponges, made exclusively for 99-cent stores and the back shelves of bodegas when I rip the shit out of my sad stick. It may be cheap, but it’s also effective. Trust me, the results on your peen will be priceless.

Janitorial Supply Super Sized Sponge

A fun trick when scrubbing your shame is to ignore all those labels and warnings, and embrace the word “industrial.”  Sure, this sponge was made for professional cleaning crews, disinfecting public bathrooms and port-o-johns, but that just means it’s effective. As Mother always said, “a job worth doing, is a job worth doing right.” And with this powerful tool, you’ll be able to rub that nub raw in no time.

Grisly Extra Fine Steel Wool

Frankly, life would’ve been easier without a pecker, but the good lord saddled us with it for a reason. Until that reason becomes clear, we’ve got to keep it sanitary. If we don’t, who will? Certainly, not Mother. She refuses to touch the filthy thing. That’s where steel wool comes in. Yes, it may seem like an unorthodox choice, but if you want to do things right the first time, you do as you’re told. And remember, you deserve this.

Two-Sided Scratch Sponge

I can’t tell you how many men I’ve spoken to over the years who were so deeply ashamed of their girthy guilt they could barely talk about it. Seriously, I would bring it up, and they would just look at me like I was crazy. It’s sad, is what it is. I’m sure, if they used this bristly pan scrubber on their wrong prong, they would be able to admit how much they hate it, just like I do. But not all of them have a loving mother to teach them right from very, very wrong, like she does, day in and day out even now that I’m well into my 40s. 

Mother’s Personal Crotch Cleaning Kit

Mother says good boys are clean boys, and with this kit of abrasive sponges and powdered lye, she’s out to prove it. You can scrape, tear and burn the badness right off of your shame stick, without having to ever touch it. Mother made this one herself, so I’m not sure if there are any others on the marketplace. You may want to ask your own mother for help putting it together if you’ve indeed been a good boy. Good boys get treats. Bad boys get…well, they learn their lesson. That mother wishes she had a girl. 

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