Archie Tries Goop Recipes on Her Mom: Roasted Chicken

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Hi, guys! It’s your girl, Archie, and I have a confession for you: One of my New Year’s resolutions was to cancel my DoorDash subscription and start cooking clean, healthy meals. And let me tell you something—that first part didn’t happen. I have DoorDash’s customer service line memorized. It’s a problem.

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But I wandered over to the recipe section of our favorite website, Goop, and Gwyneth Paltrow had tons of ideas on quick, clean, Goop recipes to cook for the whole family. So I decided to cook one for my own family! The dish I decided to go with was roasted chicken and cauliflower with herb salad, primarily because she prefaced it with “It does not get easier than this.”

Ingredients

I headed over to the grocery store to collect the ingredients:

  • 2 bone-in, skin-on chicken breasts (Isn’t this supposed to be a family dinner recipe? I’m getting more chicken.)
  • 1 head of cauliflower, quartered
  • Zest of 1 lemon
  • 1 lemon, sliced into one-quarter-inch thick slices (Is this the same lemon from before? Do I need two lemons? Unclear.)
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 1 and one-half teaspoons dried thyme
  • One-third teaspoon pepper
  • 3 tablespoons olive oil
  • One-third cup parsley leaves
  • One-third cup cilantro leaves
  • 4 scallions, thinly sliced (What the fuck is a scallion? Oh, well, it can’t be that important.)
  • Juice of one-half lemon (Gwynnie wastes a lot of lemons.)

Preparation

Step one: Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Done.

Step two: Mix the first eight ingredients together. It looked pretty plain, so I added a little more salt and pepper. Then a little more thyme. Then a little more. I didn’t want to mess with this recipe too much, but … yeah, a little more.

Step three: Spread everything out evenly on baking sheet and bake for 40 minutes. Alright, it’s been 40 minutes, time to pull it out, aaaaaand that’s not cooked. This chicken isn’t cooked. This chicken is whiter than Melania Trump’s Ancestry.com results. “Everything alright?” my dad asked as he stuck his head in the kitchen.”Yup!” I said, hastily shoving it back in the oven. “Just gotta cook it a li’l longer is all.”

Step three, part two: Cook for another hour.

Step four: Toss the herbs together and top the chicken and cauliflower with a scattering of them, then squeeze lemon over the top.

Result

And the final result is …

Now, the final test: What does my mother think? After peering suspiciously at the chicken and taking a dainty bite, she asked “Did … did you forget to put anything on this chicken?” After assuring her that I used everything the recipe called for, she crossed her arms. “It tastes like cooked ice.”

“This tastes like the meat version of La Croix,” my sister chimed in.

“Where did she get this recipe?” my dad asked my sister.

“A rich white woman’s website,” she responded.

“Has this white woman ever had chicken before?” my dad asks, staring at the chicken.

“This tastes like the ghost of flavored meat,” my mom says.

All in all, my family roasted this chicken better than I did. Official consensus: This is the Casper of chicken.

Photos: Pexels, Goop, Archie Grimm


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Archie Grimm: Archie is a patriotic citizen who, though deeply proud of her country, wishes it got rid of its isolationist policies to help the rest of the world become a better place. She is a highly intelligent yet stubborn individual who refuses to be controlled by anyone, even by the man in her life, the mo'fuckin King. She is an excellent marksman and martial artist, as well as a resourceful spy. She also has a very active imagination. Catch her on Twitter @NerdyMcHoodlum
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