Barney The Dinosaur On Shopping, Sex, And His Healthy Purple Glow
We’re all about the icons of the ’90s, and perhaps no one is more iconic of that simpler time than Barney the Dinosaur. We grew up alongside that taxonomically ambiguous purple creature, so it’s only natural that he also grew up alongside us. What you may not know (but, of course, we do, because we are close, personal friends with Barn,) is that behind the scenes, he’s grown from a simple children’s entertainer into a fashionable sophisticate who embodies the concept of living your best life. We sat down with our old friend to officially share his secrets with our readers.
BE: It’s great to be here again, Barn. What’s this we’re drinking?
Barney: Hyuh, hyuh, hyuh, it’s a tea of my own concoction, of course. A special blend of lavender and chamomile, straight from my personal garden, artisanally steeped with the soul of an entire child in every cup.
BE: It’s delicious. Now, down to business. We know you love to shop, but it must be difficult with such an artistically unconventional body type.
Barney: Garsh, it’s true, there are not a lot of options out there for a 6′ tall purple dinosaur. That’s why I created my own fashion line last year, and I am just so excited for our spring debut. It features a variety of on-trend styles for the big and tall, whether they be Jurassic or humanoid, all in my signature color. It will be sold exclusively, of course, at Barney’s.
BE: What a clever pun. How do you stay body-positive in thin-obsessed Hollywood?
Barney: Mostly by not giving a shitting fuck, friend.
BE: So powerful. Now, before we go any further, you know we have to address the elephant in the room.
Barney: Well that’s kind of a shitty thing to say after that whole body-positivity thing, isn’t it?
BE: Oh, no, Barn, I don’t mean you! I mean those rumors that have been going around. You know the ones.
Barney: Hyuh, hyuh, oh, golly, I certainly do.
BE: How do you respond to the accusations that you’re running what some are calling a “sex cult”?
Barney: Oh, garsh, I think the word “cult” is just so judgmental, man. I’d call us more of a family. It’s like I always sing, “I fuck you, you fuck me, we’re a happy family.”
BE: And what does being a member of this “family” entail?
Barney: It’s just a collective of like-minded people invested both emotionally and financially in sharing and teaching the joys of tantric sex who can leave anytime they want as long as they accept the risk of my personal wrath. Hyuh, hyuh!
BE: How did you first learn about the joys of tantric sex?
Barney: I learned the art of tantra 20 years ago on the set of my show from one of my co-stars. I won’t say which one, but it rhymes with Maybe Chop. I knew right then that I wanted to devote myself to sharing this pleasure with others. Garsh, it changed my whole life. It was … it was magical.
BE: That must play no small role in maintaining that healthy purple glow all these years.
Barney: Oh, you betcha! It’s not easy for a creature over two million years old, but a good fuckfest can do wonders for the skin. That and the souls of children I absorb when they sing with me.
BE: These are some great tips. Well, I don’t want to keep you, but it’s always a pleasure, Barn.
Barney: The pleasure is all mine. Always a treat to hang out with the Bunny Ears gang, hyuh, hyuh!
BE: Actually, I could go for one more cup of soul tea …
Barney: Not on your goddamn life. Get the fuck out.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…