Maybe you’re an extrovert who is the life of the party. Maybe you’re a romantic introvert who uses feelings to guide your decisions. Or maybe you’re an insecure, pimple-faced cunt named Sarah who should choke on her own body odor stench. Your Myers-Briggs personality type can tell you a lot about how you process information and see the world, but that’s not all your it’s good for. It can also explain where you shit.
ISTJ—Stall Four
You choose the second-to-farthest stall from the door. You’re patient, quiet, and prefer to do your business far removed from the social scene at the front by the sink, but your Catholic guilt prevents you from using the handicapped bathroom stall, even though that would be your number-one choice.
ISFJ—Stall Three
You’re an excellent listener and chose this stall so you can be right in the middle of the action. You’re the type to offer Mary Anne in payroll hemorrhoid cream after hearing her grunts in stall two.
INFJ—Stall Four
You’re a bit more reserved and prefer to be further into the bathroom, away from the hubbub of the front entrance. You’re conscientious and try to protect others from smelling your broccoli farts.
INTJ—Stall One
A logical thinker. You did your research, considered all the variables, and deduced that most women don’t use this bathroom stall to shit. Ergo, there is less fecal matter on the seat.
ISTP—Trick Question
You get an adrenaline boost from sneaking out every day at 2:17 P.M. to run home and shit in your own bathroom.
ISFP—Stall Five
You’re a sensitive soul, and often, you combine your shitting with crying. The stall furthest from the door gives you that space and distance to let it all out.
INFP—The Field Behind Your Office
You are extremely passionate about your fight for dog equality. Until dogs can use the restrooms, you, too, will shit on the grass.
INTP—Trick Question
You think most people are idiots and try to avoid them at all costs, so you fast from 9:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M. to avoid pooping at work.
ESTP—Stall Five
You enjoy material comforts and the finer things in life, so if there’s a bathroom where you can spread out, you’re going to take it. You’ll risk the chance that Mike with the broken fibula might need to shit at the same time.
ESFP—In Your Pants
You are free-spirited and don’t like to think ahead. You live in the moment, and sometimes that moment is at your desk while you are entertaining your coworkers with stories of your dating foibles. There’s no way you’re stopping mid-story just to drop a deuce.
ENFP—Stall Three
You are in need of company at all times. You’re a motivator who loves to rally those in neighboring bathroom stalls to keep pushing!
ENTP—The Poop2Plant Toilet (Patent Pending)
You’re a wild inventor whose creativity has you constantly testing novel ideas. The Poop2Plant Toilet connects a tube from your asshole into that of a basil plant so you can shit while you work and grow fresh ingredients for your bomb homemade pesto.
ESTJ—Stall One
You are motivated and determined to get the job done, so there’s no time for indecision. You hit that first stall like a man on a mission.
ESFJ—Stall Five
You’ve noticed that this is where your boss shits, so you chose this spot to do your business. You know what they say: “Shit for the job you want.”
ENFJ—???
Your carefree nature means you’ll take whatever stall you can get.
ENTJ—Your Adult Diaper:
You were voted most likely to succeed in high school, and that means every moment must be dedicated to furthering your career. Who has hours on end to waste shitting while at work?
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