Best Salt Scrubs To Use Before You Visit My Tribe Of Desert Cannibals

As a denizen of Death Valley, I know that hot, dry weather can be tough on human skin. Sure, there are a lot of products out there, but they’re often chock-full of artificial chemicals that will prevent your skin from effectively crisping over a ceremonial fire dedicated to Throng, the Lord of Death. Remember: your skin absorbs everything you put on it, and even many supposedly “natural” ingredients can leave a nasty aftertaste in soups or broths.

Fortunately, it’s possible to make a do-it-yourself salt scrub out of everyday groceries. Here are a few recipes for skin-softening, flavorful scrubs you can whip up before visiting my totally normal desert compound where no livestock is present but we’re somehow always serving fresh Carpaccio and tourists disappear at a rate of one or two a month. Death Valley: it’s not just a name. It’s a lifestyle!

Before I tell you about my favorite make-at-home scrubs, I want to share a controversial skincare tip. STOP. WEARING. SUNSCREEN. That’s right, I said it. Can sunscreen help keep your skin youthful as you age? Sure, but that’s not going to be a problem for you after you visit the Weeping Mound. And honestly, sunscreen tastes super gross. If you disagree with me, I’ll give you the middle finger. (That’s the most coveted cut of the human hand, and I think when you taste it it will really win you over.)

A QUICK WARNING: Some DIY sites out recommend that people with sensitive skin use sugar instead of salt in homemade scrubs. Don’t listen to them. Our Flay Priest, Dave, is doing keto right now and we’re all trying to support his journey.

Olive oil, thyme, and Himalayan pink salt

Pink Himalayan salt is beautiful, and it contains TONS of important minerals and trace elements. Those minerals are absorbed into the body when I, a cannibal, eat your skin. Have I not been clear enough about the cannibal thing?

Anyways, I absolutely love this savory combo. Olive oil smells great and blends well with herbs. It even has anti-inflammatory properties. Think about it: if you’re going to die and be eaten by me and my pals, don’t you at least want us to enjoy you?

Coconut oil, sea salt, and grapefruit

Coconut oil is the It Girl of the health world right now, but I’m going to be honest. I like it because it tastes good! When I’m chowing down on a little cheek meat and I smell the warm, tropical notes of a good coconut oil, I can imagine myself on a beach, toes in the water, also eating human flesh. Hey, some things never change!

Let’s face it, a lot of classic cannibal dishes can be very heavy. The bright citrusy notes of the grapefruit will cut through that richness. Also, grapefruit is known for it’s mood-boosting properties. In my experience, my mood does improve when I eat a well-seasoned tourist.

Williams Sonoma Toasted Onion Butcher’s Rub

Okay, so the only part of this that’s technically “DIY” is the rubbing. But I’m including it because this stuff is scrumptious. Don’t be afraid to really slather it into all your nooks and crannies, about 30-45 minutes before you roll into town. And remember: NO RINSING. If your skin reacts badly to the chili flakes in the rub, rest assured that the pain will be over soon.

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