I’m Not The Writer Of This Article, I’m Just Burgling Her Apartment

A perfect skincare routine is essential for

Guys, I didn’t write that half-sentence, and I’m not the credited writer for this piece. Apparently, I’m burglarizing a woman who was writing about skincare. She just fell asleep while submitting a piece, and I’ve never been published before, so wow! What an opportunity the universe has presented me! It almost makes up for seeing this horrifying apartment.

First of all, let me just say I can’t believe this woman was writing about skincare. I’m telling you right now, this pillowcase has never been washed, and I doubt this person can afford whatever skincare products she was gonna write about. I mean, there is a tube of sunscreen spilling out on her bed, so … I guess she’s good about sun protection? Here’s a disturbing tube of hemorrhoid cream I found.

Notice it is also on the bed. Pretty much everything this woman does must be on the bed because her desk is so overrun with pill bottles and Pokemon toys. She looks too young to have all these prescriptions and too old to have all these Pikachus. I’m baffled. None of these prescriptions are worth anything either. I can’t sell anti-inflammatories and thyroid pills for shit. I just feel bad for her. Maybe I can sell the Valtrex. Guys, there is nothing in this apartment worth stealing but Valtrex and Abreva, which my pharmacy keeps locked up in a case. Also, you’re not supposed to use those together. Did you know that? It makes your gross cold sore virus worse.

At this point, I’m too sad to steal anything, but I want to finish my first published article! You know what’s also on this desk? A shit-ton of parking tickets and an unfiled restraining order. Look, I’m not gonna judge being too lazy to pay your parking tickets. I’m a burglar. But being too lazy to file your restraining orders? That’s a whole other level. Also, there’s an unfinished card here that says “Happy Birthday, Grandma” right next to an invitation to said Grandma’s funeral. Good job, lady. This woman hasn’t woken up since I started rifling through her private files, by the way. Too lazy to stop a burglary, huh?

Notice the faint multicolored hair dye? I did, because it stained the entire floor. There goes this lady’s deposit. By the way, I’d expect her phone to be worse than my regular phone, but this woman’s regular phone is worse than my burner. The one I use for crimes. I’m a burglar. I’m pretty sure they haven’t made these phones since Bush was in office. Hang on, I just opened a drawer of really nasty wigs, and I’m done. I’m out.

In conclusion, this was my first piece of published work! Thank you for reading my first piece of published work. I did it!! Take that, McSweeney’s!! I’m never coming back here.

Images: Pixabay, Hana Michels