Diesel’s Top 5 Truck-Stop Handjob Spots

As a former world champion and a truck driver with a CDL license (plus a hazmat and tanker endorsement) “Big Daddy Cool” Diesel has driven all across North America. And buddy, it gets lonely. Which is why he’s compiled this helpful list of the best places to score handies all across the U. S. of A.—and beyond! Without further ado, here are “Big Daddy Cool” Diesel’s top five truck-stop handjob spots.

The New Orleans Handjob

(Found in various cemeteries) 

 “If you’re down in the French Quarter, listen for a funeral procession jazz band to pass by playing Jelly Roll Morton’s “New Orleans Bump.” Follow them into whatever cemetery they walk into, pick a dark spot near a tomb, and wait. You’ll begin to feel a tug or two, and just go with it. Right when you’re about to finish, a small French man will run in shouting obscenities. But don’t worry—just avoid eye contact and he’ll catch your splooge with a tray of jambalaya, then run off. Yeah, I know, that part is gross, and where’d that hand go? Was it ever even there?”

The Canadian Maple Syrup Job

(Strite’s Maple Tree Orchard, RT 432, Bracebridge, ON, Canada)

“So you’ve crossed the border into the Great White North, eh? Take a moment to stop at Strite’s Maple Tree Orchard for one of the most quality tuggies of your life. Ask for Martha or Steve.”

Tucson Two-Hander

(Abandoned Car, 11 miles south of Tucson, Arizona along route 10)

“It’s very dry, but it’s worth it.”

The Detroit Grease Job

(Paddy’s Auto Garage, Downtown Detroit)

“They say the best handjobs are close to home. Plus, I look up to these guys for the hard work and dedication they’ve given to downtown Detroit over the past 35 years. So if you go here, show some respect. They’re hometown heroes, so after they’re done tugging, make sure you give them a proper salute and thank them for their service.”

The Maryland Crab

(Behind the Hard Rock Café, Inner Harbor, Baltimore, Maryland)

“This one isn’t for the faint of heart. Not only because it’s incredibly hard to find a parking spot for your 18-wheeler, but because I got crabs from somebody’s hand there one time. I didn’t even think crabs worked that way.  So don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

There you have it! “Big Daddy Cool” Diesel’s Truck-Stop Handjob spots. And as Diesel always says, “Remember to tip, and tell ’em I sent ya! Honk, honk!”

Images: WWE