Bone Broth Is Out, Gnawing On Bones Is In!

You’ve probably heard all about the health benefits of drinking bone broth. Adding a bit of skeleton soup to your everyday diet can repair your joints, clean out your digestive system, and detoxify your liver in addition to throwing your metabolism into high gear and helping you shed pounds like a British man with a severe gambling addiction. You can dive right into the boiled carcass stream of bodily renewal even faster by engaging in a bone broth fast. Just slam several steaming mugs of rendered bone sweat a day and forgo all other forms of sustenance. You’ll start to notice a difference in your physical and spiritual strength almost immediately as the bones bind with your Earthbound avatar on a cellular level.

But did you know there’s an even faster way to enrich your inner galaxy with the cornucopia (dare we say, boneucopia?) of gifts that bones have to offer? Why waste time boiling stacks of the flayed dead so you can suckle the runoff when you can cut out the middle man and get all the nutrients you need direct from the source? That’s right: Gnawing bones is the hot new dieting and wellness trend of this fall.

As you know, fall is bone season (Halloween, anyone?), so there’s never been a better time to start a cleansing gnaw. Now, we’re sure you have a lot of questions, chief among them being “Why in the name of hell’s great choir would it be more advantageous to chew on a bone for hours than simply drink its tasty essence in a delightful Cathy mug?” So let’s run through the benefits:

Gnawing Strengthens Your Teeth

A typical gnaw lasts anywhere from two to seven hours, depending on the size of the bone and the length of your to-do list for the day. During that time, you’re generating gallons of bone pulp, using your teeth, which are also bone. Your teeth absorb the precious bone nutrients through their porous carapaces, shoring them up like pillboxes in the war against other bones. You simply don’t gain this benefit by chugging mere bone water—you must go directly to the source. Before long, you’ll discover that, in addition to the standard benefits of a bone diet, you have gained the ability to chew through various construction materials, such as concrete. This will be covered in an upcoming piece, “Gnawing 2.0: Reaping The Holistic Benefits Of Eating Industrial Materials.”

Pure Bones Are Much Easier To Acquire Than Bone Broth

Bone broth is, at best, a pricy item at Whole Foods and, at worst, an entirely unnecessary waste of an afternoon hunched over a cauldron. Believe it or not, gathering a bone haul is as easy as catching water in a rain barrel. As we previously mentioned, bone season is fast approaching, but to be perfectly honest, there’s no bad season to harvest white gold, because bones are a renewable resource. You can find bones almost anywhere. Rooting through the dumpster behind an SPCA shelter at the right time of the month can net you a king’s ransom of fleshless treasure. And don’t get us started on graveyards! All you need is a shovel, some dish soap, and a relative in the police department, and you’ll be gnawing on pure collagen and calcium phosphate in no time. You can even buy some bones at the supermarket, but part of the advantage offered by gnawing is saving money, so this is a last resort.

Gnawing Will Simplify Your Life

As your jaws become a whirlwind of bone shards and ivory mill stones, your tongue will almost certainly be severed, which is fine! This will make your mouth a more efficient bone delivery system, and your true friends will be able to identify your unique grunts and gestures in conversation. Also, as you creep through the day, waiting for the Sun to fall before the Moon and cry out the great bone harvest, you’ll lose sight of all the petty stressors of everyday life and feel your soul grow enriched as you focus on the only thing that truly matters in this world: finding more bones. You won’t find that in any mug.

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