Recipes For Boogers Since That’s The Only Thing My Gross Kids Will Eat

Kids are notoriously fickle eaters. That’s why I don’t even try anymore. If those little shits just want to sit around all day picking their noses, eating their boogers, well, then they can sustain on those snot rocks for the rest of their lives for all I care. But that’s where they get you. I legally (and somewhat emotionally, I guess) have to care about them, or I get in trouble. If they don’t want to eat even the generic-ass chicken tenders I make, which every child on Earth loves except for my weirdo spawn, then I guess I have to play their game.

Booger And Beef Stew

I apologize for how gross this will all be, but be thankful that you don’t have to witness someone eating this disgusting slop, and be even more thankful that you’re not the poor son of a bitch who has to combine 1-inch chunks of chuck beef in a pot with chopped celery, onions, shallots, carrots, and a bouquet of savory herbs along with a whole mess of their own children’s boogers just to get them to eat this boeuf bourguignon–inspired snot plate. It’s disgusting. They just push the beef aside and eat all the boogers. Sometimes, I just cry at the table.

Booger “Chicken” Nuggets

Collect a bunch of their boogers and squish them like dough into nugget-like shapes, then give them a quick dredge in egg, and you can’t tell, but I’ve been dry heaving through this whole description. I hate that I’m writing this, mostly because I hate letting you know that this is what my life is. My children would be skin and bones if not for these booger recipes. I don’t know where I went wrong, but I do know that after I dredge the booger nuggets in egg wash, I toss them in a mixture of 1 ½ cups of flour with pinches of salt, pepper, oregano, paprika, and garlic powder. I drop the booger nuggets into a pot of peanut oil that’s been sitting at a steady 325 degrees. The smell is awful, which is weird, because boogers don’t smell. I guess you have to unlock the stench through the cooking process. Serve with a side of ketchup.

Salisbury Steak With Hot Snot Sauce

Season ground beef with Worcestershire sauce, salt, pepper, and garlic, then form into burger patties. Fry them up, then drown them in your kid’s snot. Honestly, as long as it’s covered in their snot, you don’t have to fry it. They’ll eat it raw, like dogs.

I guess the upside to all these booger recipes is that I’m saving a ton on grocery bills. On the other hand, I don’t sleep anymore.

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