Your Butthole Is A Flower That Needs To Be Tended

June 14, 2019 by , featured in Butt Stuff, Health
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In today’s hectic modern world, too few of us stop to smell the flowers. By “flowers,” I am, of course, referring to your butthole, a delicate flower that needs tending just as much as any real flower. And here’s the best way to do so.

Use Post-Biotics

Most of us know the importance of taking probiotics and prebiotics to maintain a healthy gut. However, the landscape where your gut stuff comes out is just as important. Are you popping a squat into an enriched environment, or will your turd enter the world without the supplements it needs to pass smoothly? Start incorporating post-biotics into your health routine. Think of it as Miracle-Gro for your butt, if Miracle-Gro was a suppository the size of a roll of quarters.

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Fertilize Your Fertilizer

Don’t expect post-biotics to do everything. In addition to adding nutrients back into your back door, you need to fertilize your asshole. Asshole fertilization involves adding manure and mulch around your rectum to get the micro-bacteria in your gut to grow. In layman’s terms, your shit needs to be prepped with other shit.

Don’t Use Your Own Manure

You’re never going to receive proper micronutrients if you engage in a Western diet, so don’t expect your butt biodome to grow properly if you’re using your own poop. Get someone else’s, and spread it between your cheeks. The ecosystem of your sphincter needs to be replenished every to to four weeks, so we have a guy who poops into a plastic bag for us once a month which we store in the shed. It really simplifies everything when it comes time to fertilize my family’s buttholes.

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Give It Love

Just like any living thing, your butthole needs a lot of love to thrive. We talk to the flowers in our garden to make them grow big and strong, and so must we also talk to our buttholes. Give it positive words of encouragement, like “You’re the strongest sphincter around!” or “You’re so beautiful, you should be in a museum!” You’ll have a thriving terrarium of poop microflora in no time.

Stop treating your A-hole like your B hole. I promise you, your asshole will thank you. It’s going to sound like a fart, but it means “thank you” in butt language.

Images: Pexels


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