Health

You’ve worked hard all week, and quite frankly, you deserve a break! That’s why we’ve created this slideshow of black and white photos of pregnant women for you to do, you know, whatever with. No need to go into detail. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy these beautiful visions of gestation in whatever manner you […]

You’ll look fabulous—no matter how many atrocities you commit!

You will reach unfathomable velocity.

What the real danger is here? A virus I specifically designed to kill 90% of the population, or the untested vaccine for it? I think you know my answer.

Don’t let disease get you down. Fight through your illness with our bold new method of denying its existence! You’ll be healthy in no time!

I mean who knows, right?

The advice for taking a big old honker of a butt plug is the same advice that’s going to help you power your bottom through your podcast’s third rebrand.

I can’t wait until one of my doctors makes an innocent mistake while adjusting the settings on the cryo-tank and it turns me into Mr. Freeze.

You heard us.

While It Didn’t Do Great In The States, The Film Was A Big Hit In The Republic Of Macedonia Where It Released Under The Title “Kill Ponytail Father”

It’s for the best.

As a general rule, you should never exfoliate so much that you accidentally end up brushing your teeth with your finger tips and Clinique facial scrub.

Like the say in business school, “Don’t blow your money. Let your money blow you.”

Amanda lives in Missoula, Montana, so we didn’t actually go out there to observe her morning routine firsthand even though LAX is one of the few airports that actually flies directly to Missoula because we’re scared of Republicans.

Elon Musk is his hero! I tried to explain this to them but they kept asking if I wanted to sponsor the education for some child “in need.”

“I’m in hell.”

It’s just science.

Penii? Penes? Amanda, what am I supposed to write here?

Imagine a world in which knives do not exist. Picture that world, and reach into your aged leather waist satchel for more Vicodin.

Whatever you think you know is really just the tip.

From Goat’s Milk Lavender to Honeysuckle Harmony, they tried them all. Oh God, why?

Who says you can’t drop anchor and also be inspired?

I had tried everything.

Turns out crabs are no joke!

This always happens to me!

It’s a thing.

We’re all about the icons of the ’90s, and perhaps no one is more iconic of that simpler time than Barney the Dinosaur. We grew up alongside that taxonomically ambiguous purple creature, so it’s only natural that he also grew up alongside us. What you may not know (but, of course, we do, because we […]

Whenever more than one former Friends cast member enters the same room it is a mini Friends reunion and must be reported as such.

Does she ever pretend to choke you?

There has to be a head transplant list by now, right?

There was no way you were really going to “Travel More” this year.

You’re going to die and nobody has a clue how it’s going to go down.

The question job applicants dread.

Have you guys ever tried antibiotics?!

Hear me out.

So I Can Thrive On Just Grass?

She just fell asleep while submitting a piece and I’ve never been published before so, wow!

It has zero to do with our recent legal troubles, okay?

Who needs kindling when you have these literally classics?

Morally compromise everyone you love for the day of your dreams.

You don’t even have to be dead!

Getting crushed to death never felt so safe.

All level-headed, thoughtful adults know that Santa is totally real and totally in need of some sweet Christmas presents.