Train Your Adorable New Puppy By Negging The Shit Out Of It
Teach that stupid furball to stop being such a basic bitch
I Went to The General To Save Some Time, Why Didn’t He Save My Dad in ‘nam?
He was known as The Captain back then.
Why Can’t My Son Be My Emotional Support Animal? He’s On A Leash
He’s just as untamable as any beast.
Stop Screaming At Your Kids And Let Me Do It For You!
If you’re comfortable with me telling your children to eat shit but not telling them to get fucked, I need to know that beforehand.
Stop Body Shaming And Accept Yourself As You Are, Unless You’re James
Hey James, fuck you you disgusting shit. Everyone else, please learn to accept your body as it is!
My Ideal Mate Is Still A Plural Marriage With Most Of The New Kids On The Block
Modern guys just aren’t cutting it for me.
What’s Sex With A Man Like? Our Writers Want To Know
We’ve heard about it in rap songs and on pamphlets, and we know it must at least be as great as McDonald’s because those are the two things they miss most on Orange Is the New Black. But what’s it really like?
I’m Only Taking Parenting Advice From Killer Whales From Now On
Killer whales have dominated the mommy game lately, which is why I’m now only communicating with my children with squeaking and nose bumps.
7 Tips That Will Save Your Marriage From Frankenstein Monsters
7 steps to protect your marriage from the grips of Frankenstein Monsters.
Slut Shaming Is Wrong Unless I Am About to Finish
No man should be going around calling women names unless they are in my bed, kitchen, or bathtub and I am about 30 seconds away from le petit mort.
Sex-Positive Pumpkin Carving Ideas That Will Arouse Your Whole Neighborhood
Instead of candy, give your neighbors what they really want this Halloween: a comprehensive sexual education via seasonal and sensual pumpkins!
It’s Me, The Guy At This Party Who Will Definitely Try To Crack Your Back!
I know you’re just minding your own business, and as a grown up, you probably don’t want to be lifted off the ground. But let me crack your back. Please.
How To Use Therapy Speak To Haggle Down The Price Of Almost Anything
We as a society have spent far more time nurturing our physical health than our mental wellness. For decades, even whispering the words “anxiety journal” could earn a person a bunch of raised eyebrows and an un-invitation to Vicki’s gender reveal party. But times have changed! Mental healthcare is not only embraced and encouraged, it’s […]
I Empathize With Women Who Experience Ovipositor Pain Or Whatever
I think the single most frustrating part of being a woman must be when men don’t take you seriously. As I was explaining to my sister the other day, this problem springs from a refusal to listen to and understand women’s issues. But as a strong male ally, I always completely get what women are […]
It’s Cool That Your Mom Is So Sex Positive
The fact that women are still criticized for expressing their sexual autonomy is a serious problem. No one should be made to feel guilty for openly and honestly pursuing consensual pleasure. Which is why it’s sincerely admirable that your mom is as open to the public as a library. Too many women, through absolutely no […]
How To Talk To Your Kids About Skeletons Trying To Steal Your Treasure
It’s a sad truth that any normal family who keeps a large pile of gold and precious gems in their home is going to attract skeletons. It’s perfectly natural for children to be frightened of skeletons, but they need to understand that skeleton attacks are just a natural part of life. Every skeleton attack can […]
Check Out These Cleaning Tricks Your Maid Should Really Know How To Do Already
Admit it—nothing stresses you out like keeping a tidy home. From family to friends, working out to wealth management, it’s hard to find the time to keep everything spick and span. Thankfully, we’ve got a few tips that’ll make cleaning a breeze, as long as your maid is paying attention when you explain them to […]
Forget About Yoga: It’s Not Gonna Bring Her Back
Spiritual leaders (like, for example, literally every single person who works for BunnyEars.com) are committed to helping you feel, eat, and live better. Everything we do is done out of the kindness of our hearts, and all of our tips and suggestions are backed by, in our opinion, science. Unfortunately, not everyone is altruistic as […]
Avocados And Avocadon’ts: The Case Against Our Intern
If there’s one thing on which we at the Bunny Ears office can all agree—and there isn’t much, if last week’s violent melee over which crystals are best is anything to go by—it’s that Craig sucks. Should we fire him even though he works for free and we never actually hired him in the first […]
I Read “7 Secrets To Pull Him Closer Instead of Pushing Him Away” And Now I have 7 Men In My Basement
Let’s face it, ladies. Dating is hard. I struggled to lock down a man for years. I’d watch The Bachelorette and long for a partner, or 28, to chase after me. And yet, date after date, I wouldn’t get a second. So when I stumbled upon a book entitled 7 Secrets to Pull Him Closer Instead […]
The Beginner’s Guide To Taking Care Of Your Aging Stage Mom
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series in which our experts provide everything you need to know about a multitude of endeavors. This week’s writer, Carolyn Burke, will be taking you through: The Beginner’s Guide To Taking Care Of Your Aging Stage Mom From Carolyn: I’ve never been particularly close with Mother. To be […]
Relationship Tips: A Handsy Guide To Touching The Butt
We as a society place a lot of restrictions on ourselves when it comes to relationships. But I’m here to let you know it’s OK to be spontaneous. Happy, even! As long as your sexual proclivities are between two (or more) consenting adults you can just feel free to go right on and let your […]
I’m A Furry: Is Breastfeeding My Baby Still Vegan?
Being ethical can be tricky. On the one hand, I think consuming any product (including milk) made from the labor or bodies of animals is immoral. And on the other hoof, part of my lifestyle is dressing up as my fursona, a pink cow named “Moonica.” And therein lies the rub: can I breastfeed my […]
I’ve Never Been Prouder Than The Day I Helped My Children Beat Their First Murder Charge
There are many moments during your life as a parent in which you get to feel immeasurable pride for the children your first marriage bore you. Once you and your partner’s schedules lined up and you could reserve time in between getting your enamel sealed with cucumber spring water and applying a Starbucks cold brew […]
How To Prevent Your Baby From Loving Your Au Pair More Than You
Can affluent moms ever catch a break? Between running your charities, maintaining perfect abs after childbirth, and crafting your own line of cruelty-free makeup from berries and charcoal, there’s hardly any time left to be a #BossBitch at motherhood. Hiring an au pair to take care of your exceptionally above-average child is a great solution […]
This New Form of OxyContin is Truly Better Than Sex
As busy mom and business owner, I often need a pick me up throughout the day. Most of the time, this comes in the form of the pearl-infused matcha latte at the corner shop, but some days, the creamy green goodness just isn’t working. Thankfully, around three months ago, I found a vice that really […]
How To Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Doula Without Alienating Your Life Coach
Having a baby changes everything, from your bladder function to your spiritual needs. You know you won’t get through it without your doula, but now your life coach, who’s been by your side from your wild single days right through to your socioeconomically appropriate marriage, feels left out. How do you keep the most important […]
I Pierced My Clit To Enhance My Sex Life And All It’s Gotten Me Is Months of Explaining That To People
I remember hearing from one of my sluttier friends that piercing your clit makes your orgasms better and basically feels like you’re always a little lady hard. Heck yes, I thought! Once I have the time to let one of this baby properly heal, like when I’m unemployed and can just lay around with my […]
Sniff Out The Best Preschool For Your Toddler Using Bomb Dogs
Let’s face facts: Preschool is the most important time in a child’s life. High school is the most important time in a teenagers’s life, and college is the most important time in a young adult’s life. Parenthood is the most important time in an adult’s life and you’ve already succeeded in squirting one out. But what […]
Why I Won’t Move In With My Boyfriend Until We’re Engaged Or At Least Dating
My friends are often surprised to find out that I won’t move in with a guy until I’ve got a ring or at least an understanding that we are a couple. Sure, it’s a little old fashioned, but it’s what works for me. I’m not some stuffy agony aunt trying to tell you what to […]
Time To Send Your Kids To Summer Camp, But Which Cult Should You Choose?
Summer is the perfect time for your children to engage in holistic learning. However, this can be hard to accomplish at home, especially when you have plans to attend a tropical resort clinic to learn mindful breathing while on a Mai Tai cleanse. So to ensure that your Precious Little Ones get the most out […]
I Spoke To My Plant To Help It Grow And Now It’s The CEO Of A Fortune 500 Company
I’m not what you might call “nurturing.” More plants have died by my hand than I care to count. I live and die by my slow cooker. Without it, I’d never eat a home-cooked meal in my life. And … well, I used to have children. But I found an amazing lifehack that’s allowed me […]
Stop Saying I Have Daddy Issues Just Because I Call Them My Dead Gary Issues
I’d like to send a message to all the men I’ve dated, am currently dating, and who moved out of state after I emotionally ruined them. That message is: One cannot have “daddy issues” when they have no daddy physically present on this planet to give provide them with said issues. When I bring up my […]
How To Deal When Your Decorating Tastes Are Too Extra For Your Partner
Moving in together is a big step forward in a relationship, and with all the major issues to talk about—how you should divide chores, who handles which bills, making sure they know you hiss and singe whenever the drapes are opened—potential aesthetic clashes often go undiscussed. Which brings me to this poster of Ronald Reagan […]
Bunny Ears Staff Advice Column: EMOTIONS
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Welcome to the second ever Bunny Ears advice column, where Bunny Ears staff submit questions, and other Bunny Ears staff provide answers. Neither party knew who was asking or answering their questions. Until now … ] [EDITOR’S NOTE – PART TWO: We added an Amazon Affiliate link to this article. That means if you click […]
The Perfect Sex Positions Based On Your Socio-Economic Level
What do sex and socio-economics have in common? A lot more than you think, my fine mammalian friend. See it turns out (as proven by many VERY very good academic studies! Just trust me!) that human beings bang best when fulfilling their own economic role in the bedroom. Fear not though, for we’ve curated a […]
How I Escaped My Children This Summer
Oh, sure, everyone always gets sooooo excited for summer. A smorgasbord of fashionable outdoor festivals, sipping mai-tais on elegant beach-side patios, entirely new ways of getting judged by your body – what’s not to love? Your kids, for one thing. Did it occur to you that your kids are going to be home all day, for […]
Bunny Ears Staff Advice Column: RELATIONSHIPS
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Welcome to the first-ever Bunny Ears advice column, where Bunny Ears staff submit questions, and other Bunny Ears staff provide answers. Neither party knew who was asking or answering their questions. Until now…] Q – Hana Michels Dear trusted advisor, I’m attracted to narcissists. Every person I’ve ever dated has had at least one […]
How To Have Sex On A Beach, In A Hot Tub, And Other Things That Seemed Fun As A Virgin
Lifestyle blogs and magazines offer an endless supply of sex tips, whether or not the staff has actually tried any of them, but we’ve tried everything here in the Bunny Ears office. You should see our mangled genitals. They’re a slop-fest. Totally unrecognizable. That’s why, when I was asked to come up with even more […]
Guaranteed Ways To Make Your Social Circle Look More Ethnically Diverse
Black is in and fashionable, in more ways than you know. If you know anything, you’ll know that one of the hottest ways to spice up your social life is making it ethnically diverse. But, alas, what’s a small-town Lily white milquetoast like you to do when you don’t have any minorities for friends? Fear […]
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…