Demand Satisfaction At The Office By Challenging Coworkers To Duels

Interoffice politics need not be as complicated as we make them. Your reputation is all you have, so when a malicious miscreant impugns your honor, don’t let that outrage stand. Remove your silk glove (that your boss keeps telling you to stop wearing while you’re on French fry duty), slap that roustabout across the cheek, and start challenging coworkers to duels.

Your occupation is your livelihood, and you are incapable of maintaining a lively demeanor when your peers continually mock your manner of dress. They hurl barbed insults such as, “Dang, look at his fancy pants. Are those tights?” and “Yo, aren’t you hot in that ruffled jacket and powdered wig?”

These uncultured swine haven’t the faintest clue how to compose oneself within the court of his royal majesty, the Burger King. The moment you suspect they don’t hold you in the regard you deserve, challenge them to a formal battle to the death.

Duels are not events for the squeamish, so you must steal your resolve when entering such combat. Strategy is another vital component. Choosing the right weapon is essential in the path to righteous victory. Sword fights are not only the most gentlemanly and refined type of battle, but also the most advantageous, as no one seems to have proper form on their lunges and ripostes these days. They assert they are too busy studying for their “Bio test,” and that swords are for “losers who can’t get laid.”

Now, some may pose the argument that murdering your coworkers over minor quibbles is passé or “overkill.” But your honor and reputation are sacred! They’re all you have, especially after Lydia left you for that job in Boston.

And besides the glory and honor you shall restore to yourself and your household by striking down debasing defilers, there are more tangible benefits to be gained as well. That assistant manager position just opened up, and all this dueling shows lots of initiative.

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