Which Drug Pairs Best With Your Morning Coffee?

We all need that morning pick-me-up, but sometimes we need a little more picking up than others. However, on days when caffeine just isn’t enough, it can be hard to know which illicit substance to turn to. Not to worry! Coffee and drugs go together just like cheese and wine, meaning certain varieties pair better than others. So here’s your definitive guide to getting strung out of your mind enough to face the day.

Cafe au lait: This gentle beverage (black coffee with several generous splashes of milk) means you probably don’t feel like going too crazy today. So we recommend just a little bit of bud.

Black coffee: You’re in the mood for a serious kick—which is why we recommend pairing your morning cup of joe with cocaine. Those board members will never know what hit them, possibly literally.

Latte: A trendy beverage calls for an equally trendy trip, which is why molly is the drug of choice for latte lovers of all kinds. The exception is …

Rainbow lattes: You’re a fashion-conscious influencer on the cutting edge of all the latest trends, which is why you know that right now, it’s all about color, color, color. Go ahead and drop a tab or two of artisanal LSD into that unicorn foam and spend the day watching it swirl and blend together. Let’s be honest: You weren’t getting anything done today anyway.

Tea: You think that saying, “I prefer tea, actually” tells everyone that you’re a calm, centered person, but we all know the truth. Only a goddamn maniac would make this choice because they think it will belie their true nature. You’re not fooling anyone. Only the grungiest black tar heroin for you.

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