World travel can be a wonderful thing, but there are some places that are … well, you know … don’t make me say it. You know what I mean. They’re not like America. Europe is your safest bet, but even there, you can find … you know … those places. That’s why we put together this travel guide so you can see the world, or at least just the parts of it that are … you know … safer.
London
England is a must-see for any world traveler, because everyone in England speaks English. You simply must visit Kensington Pavilion, one of my favorite restaurants, where you’ll be able to calmly give your order to someone who fully understands you instead of having to slowly yell it. Your vacation won’t be relaxing if you have to scream “I want water! Water. WATER. WAAAT-ERR!” every time you’re thirsty.
COMFORT ZONE LEVEL: 8.5
Stockholm
Sweden is just as exotic as, say, Indonesia, but you’re not … well … you’re around Swedish people, so it’s … you know what I mean? The food isn’t spicy. If I were going to recommend a travel destination with tangible humidity, aggressively seasoned food, and a population of zero blond people, I’d recommend Italy, which I’m not. Frankly, Italy is almost as uncomfortable as Indonesia. No, visit Stockholm. It’s where ABBA was born, and what could be less threatening than ABBA?
COMFORT ZONE LEVEL: 9
Prague
Are you surprised to find a city in the Czech Republic on this list? Yes, the country is full of hairy Slavs desperate to human traffic you, and yes, it once had a Roma infestation, but Prague is relatively safe if you keep your hands on your wallet at all times. Think of it like dipping a toe in the deep end but not actually diving in. But seriously, don’t let go of your wallet for even a second. Remember! Roma!
COMFORT ZONE LEVEL: 6
Vienna
My best friend, Cressida, came back from Venezuela bragging about how her visit to the South American country changed her life. Well, I saw that Netflix show, Narcos, so I’m not about to visit anywhere near the continent in which Pablo Escobar used to live (even though I loved his sweaters on that show). Vienna also starts with a “V,” and you’re not going to … ugh … it’s friendlier, okay? And don’t get me started on Montezuma’s revenge! Who wants to end up hovering over a little shit hole? I mean, I’m not saying that they don’t have toilets in Venezuela, but … you know how those places are.
COMFORT ZONE LEVEL: 7
Paris
In other parts of France, they’re… you know… they a bit tan. I don’t know why, but for some reason, all the French people in the Riviera are a bit … well, they’re … they get a lot of sun. But in Paris, they’re just like you or me. Just make sure to stick to areas like the Louvre and the Arc de Triomphe. If you turn the corner and end up in the wrong arrondissment … well … have you ever seen Brokedown Palace?
COMFORT ZONE LEVEL: 4.3
Helsinki
Even the snow is white! Not that that’s important. But, you know how the world is. It’s just … you know … it’s different.
COMFORT ZONE LEVEL: 9.5
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