What Happens If We Inject Craig With Healing Crystals?

Hey guys, so your favorite intern finally gets to write for the site! Take that, Matt Cohen!

That’s right, after three grueling weeks of menial intern work, they are letting little ol’ Craig head up this new section where I get to try the latest in “spiritual and body wellness” to get you the straight facts.

So today my assignment is to see what happens when I inject healing crystals straight into my bloodstream. All of your favorite celebrities (we know your secrets, Streep!) are doing this and with a little bit of know-how, you can too!

Today’s mixture is Abalone, Anazibute, Amethyst, Bloodstone, K2 Stone, and Sunstone.

The reason I am using abalone shell is for protection and guidance. My girlfriend recently decided she no longer wanted to be part of #TeamCraig, and it has left me a bit raw, emotionally. I’m hoping that the soothing power of abalone can help get me back on my feet.

Anazibute is one of the proprietary crystals you can get once you unlock your third enlightenment level, or purchase an Omega-level platinum package, at The Church Of False-Vestigially. The Church’s leader (and Bunny Ears guru) “Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts promises that it’s useful for memory boosting. I can really use that right now, as I’ve forgotten what it is like to feel any sort of joy or peace.

Bloodstone is useful for healing the heart and boosting that self-esteem. I bet if I had access to some bloodstone a month ago, I would have had the courage to say something when Matt and Mack kept going on with their little inside jokes and snickering behind my back at the office.

K2 stone rips away your anxiety and fears and replaces them with bold courage. Like the courage I could have used when I found Peter’s dick pics on my girlfriend’s phone, and she told me it was “just a joke” and that “he isn’t really like that.” Well, it looks like he is exactly like that Tanya, really fucking looks like it from here.

And finally, I’m adding some sunstone because one of my new year’s resolutions is to get better at drawing, and what better way than by letting that sunstone unleash the creativity within!

Once everything is ground up into fine dust, it’s mixed it with a 50/50 mix of infusion water and white vinegar to make a sort of miracle slurry. Now, because of the thickness, I’m going to have to use an 18 G needle, as in my tests it just clogged anything 20 G and above.

You have to be real careful when injecting yourself with anything, because of one little
miscalculation and BAM! Aneurysm.

[Editor’s Note: Our intern, Craig, included an MP3 attachment of an audio diary he recorded when he submitted this article.]

Alright, here we go, I have injected myself with the compound, and I can feel it working. Let’s mark this as 0:00

0:01 It has been one minute, and already I can feel a bit of a burning sensation, but that’s just the toxins getting pushed out as it works its way through my system.

0:05 I must have been way worse off more than I knew because these past five minutes have been atrocious. My entire body hurts from the inside, but I can feel positive energy flooding my veins

0:08 I’ve lost feeling in my left arm, and the base of my neck feels stiff. I just want to rest my eyes because they burn, but when I close them, I see nothing but my failures.

0:10 Breathing has become incredibly difficult. My shoulders are stiff, and I have an increibl hedhahceeeeeee–

[Editor’s Note: We didn’t hear from Craig for nearly an entire week after this, but it turns out he’s somehow still alive. He’s also still able to write posts for the site, and that’s really all that matters.]

Image via Unsplash