Detoxing is essential for a healthy body. Built up toxins can cause cancer, irritation, and general bad vibes. Of course, by toxins we mean poop, and by detoxing we mean pooping. A lot. Unavoidably. But just think of all of the exotic locations you can shit your glamorous pants in. Shit your pants at the Grove. Shit your pants at Paris Fashion Week. Take a ski trip to Aspen, and while you’re there shit your pants!
You’re probably wondering if it’s really healthy to shit your pants so much. We asked a professional dietician if drinking all your food was healthy and she just laughed and laughed until she passed out with joy so we’re assuming that’s a yes. After all, just look at all of the famous people who advertise detoxifying cleanses on Instagram. Don’t they all look incredibly healthy? I heard one of them pooped in a potted plant at the Golden Globes last year. That’s how fabulously healthy they were! And if you make these three detox shakes, you, too, can shit your pants just like your favorite celebs.
Shake #1: Liquidating The Assets
- Skim Milk
- The vague sense that you’ve done something wrong with your life
- Frozen blueberries
- Kale
- Peanut Butter
- Hammer
- Combine all ingredients in a gallon freezer bag and smash them with a hammer until smooth.
Shake #2: Making Space For More Healing Crystals
- Water
- Blender
- Hammer
- Blend water until smooth. Cover blender with trash bag. Hit blender with hammer until blender and water are smooth. Drink from trash bag.
Shake #3: Dropping My Emotional Support Dog Off At The Pool
- Unsweetened Cashew Milk
- Blender
- Hammer
- Blend hammer and unsweetened cashew milk until smooth. Add kale to make this a super detox smoothie!
After just three days of drinking these shakes, you should be experiencing dizziness, fatigue, nausea, bloating, skin irritation, mood swings, insomnia, anxiety, a low-grade fever, flu-like symptoms, confusion, and of course, incontinence. That’s how you know it’s working. Remember, confusion is just enlightenment entering the body.
If you’re worried that you don’t need to detox because you have a liver and kidneys that were literally made to filter impurities from your body, just get rid of them. Do you really need all of those gross organs? I heard you can get a great deal for them on the dark web and you can use all of that extra cash to buy more ingredients for detox shakes!
So now you, too, can shit your pants while vaping at Leonardo DiCaprio’s house. You can shit your pants at Bergdorf’s. You can pay Elon Musk a bunch of money to take you up into space, and when you’re up there, looking down at this tiny blue dot we call earth, thinking about how big the universe is and how we’re really just a tiny, infinitesimal part of it, you can shit your pants.
Images: Pexels, Pixabay, Pixabay
View Comments (1)
I hammered my water until it was too smooth! Is there anyway to crinkle the water back to it's original unsmooth state?