Maybe It’s The Meth Talking, But These Detox Tips Make Me Feel Like A God

Whether it’s raw food, a juice cleanse, or just good old-fashioned fasting, detox programs are more popular than ever. But, like with any sudden change in diet, these practices aren’t without risk. That’s why I tested a few simple methods to maximize your cleanse and leave you feeling fantastic. Seriously, like fucking amazing. Trust me, I’ve never felt like this before. I just want to fuck the world, I feel so good. Of course, that could just be the meth. I don’t think so, but I did smoke a shitload of it just now—unrelated to all this. Fuck. Are you feeling this? Fuck!

1. DRINK MORE WATER

Your body is made up of 70% water, which means constant replenishment is a vital step in any cleanse program. I drank a glass after hitting the pipe, and I can tell it’s working already. My teeth are grinding and my palms are sweating profusely, surely expelling any toxins built up in my system. My heart is racing and—oh man—I need to sit down. This water is really hitting me. Fuck, is it hot in here? I guess this detox is really kicking in.

2. CUT YOUR SUGAR INTAKE

Eating sugar causes your body to produce insulin, which can lead to excess weight gain, fatigue, diabetes, and even cancer. Don’t believe me? Just give it a try. The results will speak for them…wait, whoa, what do you mean you don’t believe me? Why wouldn’t you believe me? Who are you to question me? You’re a toad. An insignificant little maggot. You’re nothing! That’s who you are! You dare ask me, ME, for advice and then betray me like this? You’re a dead gnat in a universe I created. Bow before me you shapeless void, you shadow person. Whew, I need to puke.  

3. DITCH THE CAFFEINE

Caffeinated drinks dehydrate the body, so why not reach for a cup of decaffeinated green tea, or better yet, some meth. I haven’t had coffee in days, and I have more energy than ever. Seriously, I could run a marathon up Mount Everest while delivering a fucking dissertation on digging my own grave. Plus, I haven’t stopped speaking for 48 hours—all without a drop of coffee. Who the fuck even needs it? Where did we get the idea that coffee was so vital and precious? From the Globalists, that’s who! Fuck, I feel like I could run through a wall of fucking fire right now and then punch a Bigfoot to death. I’m sure glad my wife left with the kids! Fuck you! I’ll fucking destroy the world!

4. ELIMINATE ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, AND PROCESSED FOODS

It’s all connected. Don’t you see?! Connect the dots! Go down the rabbit hole, Alice. Join me! Join us! Down here we all float! You! You’re me. I’m you! Roseanne! Beyoncé! Lizards! We are all one and nothing at once. Dance with me. Dance with the DEVIL in the PALE MOONLIGHT!!!!! YOU NEED TO–

5. REALIZE THAT THE GLOBAL ORDER IS JUST AN ILLUSION AND THAT THEY WANT YOU TO BE SHEEP SUCKING ON THE TEAT OF THEIR MIND– NUMBING TECHNOLOGY, NEVER ASKING QUESTIONS, JUST OBEYING! OBEY! OBEY! OBEY! OBEY!

I need more meth.

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