Imagine: No more embarrassing doctor visits, waiting rooms, or appointment times—and, more importantly—no more foreskin! That’s right. We’re talking DIY circumcision in the privacy of your own home with our very own Bunny Ears-brand Adult Circumcision Kit. For a mere $19.99, you can say goodbye to that pesky flap of skin on the end of your dong for good. Here’s what’s included, as well as what to expect from the process:
RUBBER BANDS – Wrap a rubber band tightly around your foreskin until it turns purple (color may vary based on race/ethnicity). We recommend keeping that bad boy on for a week MINIMUM, both day and night. “But how will I pee?” you might ask. Slowly.
TOWELS – Cover the bathroom floor with towels, especially if you have to clean all the blood before your roommate/sister, Deborah, gets home
TRUSTY (NOT RUSTY) SCISSORS – We highly recommend using the scissors included in this kit as opposed to say, a rusty pair you borrowed from Deborah. A dull blade means you’ll end up needing to hack just to get through the skin—and you’ll want to glide. Also, make sure to trim well above the foreskin so you don’t accidentally nick your hog like we did in the testing phase. Shaft wounds are incredibly difficult to heal it turns out.
BAND-AIDS – You’re gonna need them. Trust us, okay?
And that’s it—everything you need for your very own DIY circumcision. We should probably also note that our office intern, Craig, who we made do the initial product development, has a two-inch penis with eight inches of foreskin, which arguably made the job a lot easier (his penis is still infected as hell, though). Please follow these directions carefully, but more importantly: HAVE FUN! You only get one circumcision in life (foreskins do NOT grow back, believe us), so why not make the most of it?