I Cloned An Ankylosaurus. Let’s Eat It!

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They said it couldn’t be done. They said it probably shouldn’t be done. Now the scientist guy who did all the science stuff for Jurassic Park is saying he’s going to clone a dinosaur from a chicken in the next five years. Ha! Welcome to the future, Chickenosaurus Guy, because I already did that. I can’t provide all the details just yet because my lawyers are still battling some ethical legalities or whatever, but I can tell you that my dinosaur is the closest to an Ankylosaurus you will ever see in your life, and I can’t wait for everyone to taste it! We haven’t started mass producing our dinosaur just yet, but I’ve put together some recipe ideas to get the public’s initial reactions. Tell us what you think!

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Naturally, this was my first idea, because the thing kind of looks like a turtle and turtle soup is a delicacy fancied by presidents and peasants alike. With a recipe as simple as soup, we could maybe even feed those starving children in Africa, one dinosaur at a time!

Fossil Broth™

At this point, there’s actually very little meat on my Ankylosaurus. The thing is mostly made of hard shell and bony spikes. These cut-offs, along with the dinosaur’s bone marrow, could easily be used to make a delicious, wholesome broth. Rest assured that my guys are working on making a meatier clone. They’re currently trying to remove the shell altogether. It’s not like the dinosaur needs it. He’s going to get eaten anyway.


Our initial studies show that drinking some of the Ankylosaurus’s natural juices will act as a detox for your body. Even chopping up some of its cute little paws and blitzing it into a drinkable pulp will cleanse your colon almost immediately. You don’t only have to eat a dinosaur! I’ve already been in contact with several high-profile celebrities to talk endorsement deals.

Jurassic Jerky™

Ankylosaurus meat is lean, so it would be easy to cure and dry it. Sure, not everyone likes jerky, but at the end of the day, we humans will eat pretty much anything, especially if it’s a dinosaur.

Prehistoric Pizza™

Everyone loves pizza! Do family night right by ordering a couple of dinosaur pizzas and watching Jurassic Park together. Those bonding moments will last forever, unlike any actual dinosaurs.

Images: Pexels/ Wikimedia, FunkMonk, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

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Zanandi Botes: Zanandi also writes for Cracked.com and your dad, probably.