Why Stop at the Placenta? Go Ahead and Eat the Whole Baby

Unless you’ve been living in a cave or some other appropriately yonic remote dwelling, you’ve probably heard about the practice of placentophagia. Celebrities from Kim Kardashian to Mayim Bialik have scarfed the ol’ babybag. Eating the placenta after giving birth may help you replenish your iron supplies or boost your mood. What you may not know, however, is that you don’t have to stop at the placenta. You can go ahead and consume the ultimate vitamin: vitamin Baby.

You heard me. Here at Bunny Ears, we know that having a baby can be rough. U.S. law provides for 12 weeks of maternity leave (all unpaid), but many women feel pressured to return to work much earlier. By hopping on the placenta train and then powering straight through your infant child, you can get your boss off your back by returning to work within days, or at most weeks. Time is money, and by eating your placenta and then your baby, you’ll save both.

There haven’t been many peer-reviewed studies on the effects of eating your infant child, but any woman who knows a mom or two knows that having a baby can take a tender bite out of your joie de vivre. The placenta may be packed full of iron, B-vitamins, and analgesic compounds, but it only weights 1.5 pounds. In contrast, the average baby contains a full 7.5 pounds of nourishing and wholesome nutrition. Feel that veal! And remember, any problems with the quality of the meat are completely your fault.

There’s more than one way to skin a cat, and there’s more than one way to eat a baby. Whether you have your baby freeze dried and condensed into pellets, blended into a smoothie, fricasseed, or served in a delicious ragout is up to you. Regardless of how you choose to eat your baby, you’ll know that it’s safely back in your tummy where it belongs.

Some women have reported that eating their placentas helped them improve their lactation. This issue hasn’t been well-researched, because according to several prominent male doctors, women’s reproductive systems are “kinda icky.” Well, here at Bunny Ears, we can guarantee you that by eating your infant child, you’ll be able to produce 100% of the milk that your child will need for the rest of its life (zero gallons (for our European readers, that’s 0.0 litres).

In addition to lactation benefits, eating your placenta and then baby will indubitably improve your energy levels. Many women report that having a baby interferes with their sleep routines, especially when their husbands refuse to help because they have to be up for work at 9:30 A.M. By eating a baby, you’re guaranteed an uninterrupted 8 hours a night of restful sleep. And depending on where you live, the unenlightened American justice system may throw in three squares a day. Wow!

In summary, by eating your baby, you’ll save on skyrocketing childcare costs, improve your energy levels, and replenish your supplies of vitamin B. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t have it all. Because you can. Go ahead. Be naughty. Eat the whole thing.