I don’t understand kids these days, especially my own. I’ve offered to take them fishing, to play catch, to the movies—nothing I suggest excites them. All they do is watch YouTube all day. In an effort to find some middle ground, I perused their YouTube history, but I was only left more confused. All the videos they watch all have these screaming teens who are always playing with the goopy junk. If, like me, you’ve been searching endlessly for a way to bond with children who are entertained by YouTubers screaming at them but then cry when you do it, this edible slime recipe might be just the desperate attempt to connect with your kids that you’ve been looking for!
Here’s What I Did
Of all the different kinds of slime out there that YouTubers love, edible slime is perfectly suited for my desperation. If, like mine, your kids grab their dinners and run to their bedrooms, not to be seen until the next morning when they grab their breakfast and run to the bus stop, then you can count this as the first family meal you’ve shared since they developed autonomy. Naysayers will say it won’t count, but a win is a win. It’ll be like those family dinners you see in movies, just slightly twisted and deformed, like a vision from a bizarre parallel universe where familial closeness is expressed by blowing snot on each other.
Anyway, what you do is microwave Haribo gummy bears on high for 10–15 seconds or until melted. Allow the mixture to cool down for about 10 minutes, then mix in powdered sugar a tablespoon at a time until a soft, pliable “slime” forms. Humbly present the slime to your kids for approval. If all goes according to plan, they’ll be having a merry old time with Mom, Dad, and slime that night. Alas, it didn’t work for me. My kids just rolled their eyes and sighed at my offering of edible slime. If that happens to you, too, just give up and wait until they’re 40, when you’ll finally develop common ground in your shared hatred of property taxes and sciatica pain.