Eight Things I Would Do If I Had Real Money

Let’s get something straight: I am not rich. It’s like my mother always says, “You aren’t truly wealthy unless you don’t have any keys.” Rich people have their own non-rich people to handle things like doors.

Now, to be fair, I don’t have a lot of keys. I just have the key to my house and the key to the gate to my house and the key to the garage that’s also part of my house. And also to be fair I have a key to my mother’s Tesla that she leaves in this country because she spends the majority of her time abroad, but that one is just awesome and looks like a little mini Tesla and so it isn’t really a “key” technically.

My mom isn’t rich either, by the way. She has a lot of keys. She owns five homes and has keys to all of them. So by her own definition of what it means to be wealthy, she’s middle-class at best.

Now that that’s out of the way, we can get to what we’re all here for: what I would do if I had real money, unlike the unsatisfying upper-middle class lifestyle I currently enjoy.

1. Eat Food I Have To Actually Pay For

I work on a network television show, so pretty much all the food I eat is free. I guess if I had real money, I probably wouldn’t feel the need to take advantage of all that free food, and I’d order Thai delivery more frequently.

2. Yoga Retreats Instead Of Just Doing Yoga

Don’t get me wrong. I love my local yoga studio and basically can’t get through the day if I don’t start it with ninety minutes of Ashtanga Vinyasa, but if I were wealthy I would definitely also go to one of those week-long yoga retreats in like Guatemala or somewhere else that sounds muy authentico.

3. Be Famous Instead Of Just Being Friends With Famous People

I might as well admit it: I am not famous. Not yet anyway. I’m white and male and hyper-competitive enough that it’s really only a matter of time. I have plenty of famous friends and family, but I myself could easily go to the supermarket without being hassled — that is, if I ever had to buy food, which I do not (see number two above). If I were rich, I’d for sure be famous though. It looks super fun.

4. Fly Private

I’m not a billionaire. I fly business class like all upper-middle-class white men. But did you know domestic business is barely a step up from international coach on some airlines? Now, flying private, that’s a whole different ballgame. I’ve flown private a few times, and it’s just so much better. Okay but look, I’m not crazy. I don’t need my own jet. Real rich people don’t bother owning a plane. Hanger fees will kill you. You just rent a private plane any time you need one. Now that’s wealth.

5. Kill People

I definitely do not have the money to get away with murder. But if I were really wealthy, there are plenty of people I’d kill and get away with it. Mostly people I’d rob to get even more money. Or just like, Most Dangerous Game style. That’s what rich people do, right?

6. Multiple Spouses

I have one amazing, wonderful wife I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. But the super rich have the option of having a bunch of amazing wives. And maybe even a few husbands, too. Why not? I myself am not nearly so rich that I’m free from the bounds of heteronormativity instilled in me from youth. Maybe I’m bisexual, but I’m just not rich enough to not care what other people think, and so have just never allowed myself to discover that. Who knows? The only way to know for sure would be if I were wealthy and just married a bunch more people.

7. Put A Vanity License Plate On My Mom’s Tesla

To be honest, it’s a little embarrassing to drive around in a hundred-thousand-dollar car with a random series of numbers and letters on the back instead of something rad like Z00000m or EATDUST or ASSBLST.

So that’s what I’d do with money. Other than that though, I’m basically good.