EXCLUSIVE: An Interview With The Long-Lost Mario Brother, Doug Mario

[After 30 years of rumors, research, speculation, close calls and wrong turns, we were able to track down and confirm the identity of the long-lost Mario brother, Doug Mario. The following is the unedited transcript of the interview published in its entirety.]

BUNNY EARS
So I guess let’s start simple, can you just tell us a little about yourself.

DOUG MARIO
Yes, I am Douglas Mario or Doug Mario, the older brother of both Luigi Mario and Mario Mario.

BE
Excellent and can you talk about your relationship with the other Mario brothers and what your upbringing was like?

DM
I mean I imagine it was pretty similar to anybody else’s upbringing, we fought at times, we were close at times. I, clearly, went on to live a more normal, albeit less noteworthy existence than my brothers have. But at least I can say I’ve lived honestly. Both Luigi and Mario tell everyone that they’re from “The Mushroom Kingdom,” which is really interesting, because I think what they meant to say was “Hackensack, New Jersey.”

BE
Wow, so you guys didn’t grow up in a magical world populated with mythical creatures like toads and princesses.

“I’m merely pointing out that their origin story is false.”

DM

If by magical world you mean a Blockbuster Video, a Dollar General, and off-track betting site littered with alcoholic re-insurance salesmen then yes it was “magical.”

BE
Then why would they lie?

DM
You bought it, didn’t you? It’s the only reason you’re even talking to me, to hear about “Mario and Luigi’s fantastic tales of traveling to save the Princess from the evil” WE HAD A TOYOTA CAMRY! WE HAD DUVET COVERS ON OUR BEDS! Our parents were software engineers. It’s embarrassing.

[Doug who’s clearly been drinking, grabs a pack of Marlboro reds and starts smoking one of them.]

Look-I don’t want to sit here and sound bitter and jaded. I mean sure I’m just the youngest Senior Vice President at Bank of America Global Wealth and Investment Management, but no who cares about me because my body doesn’t get exponentially bigger when I land on a mushroom.

“I mean the whole thing is a joke.”

BE
Wait, can we back up a little bit? Are you saying that everything we know about the Mario brothers is false?

DM
No, I’m not saying that. I’m merely pointing out that their origin story is false. If you want to know what really happened, what really went down… my brothers, whose names, by the way, are actually Devin and Grayson Montgomery, went to China in the ’80s as part of a study abroad program and came back as Mario and Luigi mostly because they did a shit ton of opiates.

BE
Wow. So from there the story just sort of took off?

DM
Yeah, they concocted a digital world where they now permanently live and operate, and my family hasn’t seen them except next to a pixelated toadstool or running really fast away from evil turtle-like creatures. My parents are devastated, and usually holidays consisted of the three of us huddled around a Nintendo trying to communicate with our brothers, but all we ever hear back is, “It’s-A-Me, A-Mario!!!!”

BE
That’s heartbreaking.

DM
Goddamn right it’s heartbreaking especially hearing my delicate 70-year-old mom stare right back into the TV saying, “It’s-a me, a-your mother.”

BE
Wow.

DM
And it doesn’t even really make sense, “It’s a-me? A-Mario?” Who else could it be? Also, Grayson, I mean “Mario,” went to Princeton as an English major. What the hell? But nooooo!! Let’s put “Mario” and “Luigi” on every single video game known to man.

[Doug takes a drink from a brown paper bag filled with what looks like a a mostly-empty bottle of gin.]

Mind you, I have three degrees, have shaken hands with President Clinton at the White House, and am the number one active volunteer firefighter in Bergen County. Sorry that I’m not a white-gloved plumber with a pervert’s mustache.

BE
Well, that’s not a fair-

DM
-I mean the whole thing is a joke. Like the Princess or any princess for that matter would be even remotely interested in two brother plumbers making minimum wage, whose idea of a good date is throwing a turtle shell at a potted plant. Hey “Mario” and “Luigi,” maybe the reason that the Princess is always in another castle is that she’s hiding from you since you’re both overweight and smell like a goddamn septic tank.

BE
Ok, I think that’s-

DM
-And maybe, just maybe, Bowser isn’t the bad guy. I would be pissed too if two brothers dressed like shitty caddies kept coming into my castle breaking everything and stealing all my gold coins. How would you feel?? Oh, it’s totally ok because they’re riding a green dinosaur pet who swallows everything in sight (nothing weird about that) as they run around screaming “HERE WE GOOOO” in a voice that can only be described as crystal meth yodeler-

BE
-Ok, thank you, Doug, really appreciate it.

[Doug takes takes another, larger sip of gin.]

DM
Oh, come on!! Where ya going? You didn’t even hear my thoughts on the theme song, “DA DA DA, DADA DADA, FARTS!!!”

[END TAPE.]