Fall Trends: What’s In (Plaid!) And What’s Out (All Of Your Most Closely Guarded Secrets)

Can you feel it? That light nip in the air? That’s the fall season telling us it’s time to put away our bathing suits and margaritas and break out our pumpkin spice lattes and turtlenecks. But for every perennial staple of the fall, there are dozens of trends that come and go every year like the foliage, and this year’s no different.

To make sure you don’t get caught dead with last year’s trends, here’s a roundup of what’s in and what’s out this fall.

What’s In: Fermentation

Wherever we look, it seems like everyone is stocking up on mason jars. Everyone’s lacto-fermenting everything from beets to cauliflower to cucumbers and even cured egg yolk. Grab yourself some kosher salt, a bunch of jars with a tight lid, and all the fresh veggies you can handle to get in on the fermentation craze!

What’s Out: Your Grandpappy’s Long Sought-After Award-Winning Barbecue Sauce Recipe

Thanks to a notorious Russian hacker collective, your pappy’s cherished barbecue sauce recipe—the legacy he passed on to you for safekeeping, hoping you would hand it down to your children—is out there, all over the dark web. Everyone is making it. Everyone will take credit for it. Your pappy’s legacy will be wiped away like a smudge of his barbecue sauce from your cheek, and it happened under your watch. Pappy is crying in heaven right now.

What’s In: Plaid

Plaid is never really out of style, it just comes roaring back from long vacations in the Poconos right when we start to miss it the most! This fall, don’t forget to outfit your wardrobe with plaid everything, from boots to sweaters. And you can’t be without Burberry’s classic plaid umbrellas.

What’s Out: Your Credit Card Numbers

You should’ve known the hackers weren’t going to stop at a dead man’s sauce recipe. All of your personal information is out there on the net. Human traffickers are using your credit card numbers right now to fund their criminal networks. Every second you’re not on the phone canceling your cards is another second you’re directly financing terrorism. The weak username-password combo you used for every account has left you with blood on your hands.

What’s In: Moisturizing Facial Jellies

We get it. The thought of smearing room-temperature jelly all over your face doesn’t sound appealing. But trust us on this one: When the cold winds of the fall start drying you out, you’re going to want a bottle of the latest innovation in facial hydration on you at all times. It goes on smooth and light as a feather, and best of all, it leaves your face looking healthy and vibrant. You’ll thank us in the spring when you’re the only person you know without a flaky face!

What’s Out: Your Affair

They found the text messages. They found the long ,flowery emails bursting with raw sexual yearning. They found statements from the secret second credit card you used to buy lavish gifts and morning after pills. All of the nudes and POV cellphone videos you shot while making passionate love were in their possession for only moments before they made their way onto every free porn site on the Internet. They have everything, and soon, your spouse will, too.

What’s In: Hot Bikram-Style Yoga

When the temperature drops, our muscles contract, leaving us susceptible to injury. That’s why it’s imperative that when the seasons turn, you keep yourself limber and your muscles warm. Besides, there’s no better feeling on a chilly fall morning than cooking in a 105-degree yoga studio!

What’s Out: Your Plans To Exact Revenge On The Russian Hacker Collective

You thought you were so clever. You thought you could escape their grasp. You didn’t realize they have people everywhere, on and offline. They knew about your plans the second you Googled “how to exact revenge on a Russian hacker collective.” They also found out about your money-laundering scheme and the illegal guns under your floorboards. What money laundering and illegal guns, you ask? Did you really think their power was limited to clacking a keyboard? Their reach is boundless. You can trust no one. Their organization cannot be defeated. They have chosen you for erasure. Goodbye.

What’s In: Fall-Inspired Orange Jumpsuits

They’re all the rage in state penitentiaries.

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