Free-bleeding: It’s Not Just For Periods Anymore
Free-bleeding during your period is, of course, one of the most intense and respectful ways to embody our connection with Gaia. When we allow our menstrual blood to saturate our Lululemons without processed, cancer-causing tampons or pads in the way, we acknowledge ourselves as women, as complete beings, and of course, as superior to Margot in accounting, who calls our natural womb-spill “unhygienic.”
So this morning, when I cut my lip licking the last of my chia sex juice smoothie off of the blender blade, I caught myself before I reached for my bleached muslin kitchen towels. After all, why should just our woman-wounds be allowed to freely flow? If we want to affirm our true connection as a creature of this Earth, shouldn’t we ascend this mofo to the next level? So from now on, I am going to undertake full-body free-bleeding. If Gaia needs my energy to spill into her, who am I to stop it?
Luckily, the blood running down my chin was a blue-red oxblood color, which matched my Robert Palmer girl lewk for the day. I let it roll as I strolled to work, reminding myself of the iron I was consuming by swallowing my own blood. And I won’t lie, I feel like a lot of dudes noticed me! One guy pulled over and asked me—get this—if I was okay. HELLO, A WOMAN CAN WALK TO WORK WITH BLOOD ON HER, IT’S 2018.
My lip was starting to clot, unfortunately, but a block from the office, I tripped over an abandoned Bird scooter and skinned my knee. Free-bleeding accomplished! The scrape was relatively minor, but the small leakage of plasma and RBCs really helped lubricate my joints. Then I met a cool dog!
He licked up a bit of the blood off my knee, and I knew this experiment was paying off. Animals can sense kindred spirits, and full-body free-bleeding allows them to know you aren’t really so far apart in the universe or even the food chain!
With a couple of dog bites on my hand—he’s a predator, it’s just his instincts!—I really felt refreshed and ready to start a day of typing. Unfortunately, within 10 minutes, the keyboard was getting a little wonky from all the seepage and dog saliva. One of the many problems in the patriarchy is the refusal to acknowledge that women are people who bleed, regularly, out of all sorts of places and don’t need to rely on oppressive tools like Band-Aids. I wrote a strongly worded email to HR about the sexism implicit in a free-bleeding-unfriendly work space, but at that point, my computer was saturated and I couldn’t hit “send.” German Shepherds really do have some teeth on ’em
I went to HR to complain, and believe it or not, I was told to “get those cuts looked at.” You know, I try to be strong, but it’s really hard to assert myself when my lifestyle gets dismissed, and also because I kept choking on the blood from that lip cut, which had opened back up. I’ll admit it, I cried a little, and when I wiped my eyes, the blood from the dog bites got in it. It turns out blood is super viscous and stings, and also, you can’t see through it, which is how I fell down the stairs and hit my head on that unfinished authentic metal railing.
I never expected that free-bleeding would make me so aware of my body so quickly. The rhythmic spurting from this cut on my neck is really tuning into the meter of my pulse. Who needs a FitBit, am I right?
I’ve been lying here for a little while thinking about how great this idea was. I’m pretty sure Julie from marketing was in here a few minutes ago, saying “Oh my God, oh my GOD!” I wanted to correct her to “goddess,” but I could tell she was genuinely impressed by how much of my humanity is now trickling out around me on these chrome stairs. I decided to just whisper some unintelligible syllables instead. Oh, look, she’s back with a bunch of people in uniform! Look at how powerful setting an example to the sisterhood can be! They’re admiring all of my gorgeous human openings and saying something about “one-third of blood volume gone.” BONUS! Did I mention full body free-bleeding is great for weight loss?
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…