Summer is officially here, and that means picnic season has arrived. Truly, there’s nothing we love more than a delicious meal in the fresh out-of-doors. Now, you may be tempted to roll out some healthy twists on picnic favorites this year so you don’t have to sacrifice your fitness goals. But we’re telling you right now: Don’t even fucking try it, people. We are not putting up with your nonsense at picnic time. So don’t even think about pulling the following bullshit.
Replacing Chips With Veggie Sticks
Chips are salty, delicious, fatty conveyor belts for salsa and dip. Veggie sticks are just sticks you’re allowed to chew. In the history of the whole entire world, no one has ever thought, “Hm, I want a potato chip, no, wait, I mean a PIECE OF CELERY.” Your assault on snacks will be met with total exclusion. If you sign up to bring chips at the office potluck picnic and we see even a hint of a crudite platter, we’re super-gluing you to your chair and wheeling you into a closet.
Subbing In Sushi Instead Of Deli Sandwiches
You know what I don’t think about when I dream of the perfect picnic? Sliding a lukewarm piece of eel down my gullet. You can stand alone in the corner of the yard with your platter of spider rolls, watching the salmonella multiply by the second, and think about what you tried to do to your friends and family.
Swapping Potato Salad With Mashed Cauliflower
This constitutes an actual hate crime. Take your bland, mushy trees and get away from our picnic table before we call the police. You may have the perfect bod by the end of summer, but you will definitely have zero friends left to praise it.
Skipping Apple Pie For Apple Slices And Cinnamon
We don’t know who hurt you. Maybe it was your parents, or the patriarchy, or an inborn phobia of all good things. But somewhere along the way you got lost, and we’re now forced to let you keep wandering. Keep that tray of Red Delicious close to your heart as we abandon you to the woods to find your fate.
So keep these healthy twists on picnic favorites at home, or else back the hell out of my yard.
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