Hot New Summer Robes In Which To Commence The Inviolable Rites Of The Solstice Death Orgy
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It’s summertime, and you know what that means! Once again, my Church Of Vestigial Glory will be holding its annual Rites Of The Solstice Death Orgy/Potluck. Not only is it a wonderful way to shake off the cobwebs of winter, it’s an unmissable social event for any member of the church yet to be assigned their mandatory procreation associate. One inevitable question asked of me or my many wives each year is where to get such festive, easy-to-clean robes. Well, question no more, my children, for as always, I will provide.
Natori Shangri-La Robe From Saks Fifth Avenue
Right away, you’ll notice the immediate advantage of the Shangri-La robe’s design, for its slim and lightweight material makes it easier to cross through the rocky Gate Of Nammu and over the Pit Of Desire before making your way to the Hill Of Undying Lust. It’s equally useful once you’ve lit your personal thurible for the purposes of musking your individual sex-aura. In terms of functionality for price, this is probably your best bet. Natori has managed to design a robe that eases everything from the Runic Scab Ritual to dodging your Coital Nemesis during the Sex Grapple Of Atrimpas.
Unisex Monk Robe
Sometimes, the most obvious solution happens to be the best. While not exactly a designer choice, a simple Halloween monk robe will provide everything you need for performing the ancestral duties of your sacred loins. The main benefits here are 1) low price for disposability (simply slop off your fluid-soaked linens once the New Sun has kissed the morning), and 2) multiple colors to choose from. Are you planning to spend the night giving Tribute in the Chorus of Tidal Rupture? Grab yourself a blue getup to represent the God-Semen Of Poseidon’s Fertility Hole. More interested in representing Shezmu’s Forbidden River Of Virgin Blood? There’s a red option as well!
Women’s Red Riding Hood Cape Sexy Halloween Costume
No doubt you are rolling your eyes at the cliched, rookie prospect of wearing a “sexy” costume to a summer sex event. In this case, however, the Red Riding Hood Cape/Fairytale Princess Christmas Cosplay available on AliExpress happens to double perfectly as an outer robe during the often chilly Midnight March from Covet Cave to the Blood Monolith of Mechanical Engorgement. For those extra cold nights, be sure to couple this with one of our wool knit breeder masks.
Hugh Hefner–Style Smoking Jacket + Medieval Executioner Mask
While the church compound is vast and secure, there’s always a chance that our sacred rites will be interrupted by outside oppressors. A slick crimson smoking jacket won’t immediately show any so-called “incriminating” stains while the mask doubles as both an identity concealer and a regulation Soul Punisher/Impregnation Face Badge as commanded by the ancient book of Anahita. The jacket’s multiple pockets are also handy for keeping your Emergency Church Capsule in case you are cornered by authorities and choose to prematurely ascend.
Inverted Adult-Sized Harry Potter Wizard Robe
As you all know, along with the annual Solstice Death Orgy, the church also offers a family-oriented outdoor Harry Potter marathon/barbecue the following afternoon. Many members of the church have been asking if it is acceptable to recycle your robes into the subsequent event, and after much deliberation between the Elder Sex Lords, we see no harm in doing so. After all, a Death Orgy isn’t supposed to break the bank—this isn’t the Baldwin estate. Simply wear your Harry Potter robe inside-out for the preceding lust festivities before calling off the babysitter and inverting your outfit for the exciting world of J.K. Rowling! For the sake of common decency, please refrain from using any Hufflepuff insignia.
The Gore-Soaked Robe Of A Slaughtered Supreme Court Justice
Religion isn’t a popularity contest, people. That’s why we always select our seed receptacle hierarchy based on an annual and gender-neutral lottery. Statistically speaking, everyone gets a turn in the Drainage Cage of Rainbow Serpents.
All that said, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to show a little pizzazz with your orgy getup. This is why it’s our long-running tradition that the first person to arrive wearing the viscera-draped robe of a sitting U.S. Supreme Court Justice gets a $100 gift card to Trader Joe’s. Sound difficult? It is! No one has claimed the prize since 2016, but that’s why the reward is so lip-smackingly great.
Relaxed Linen Robe From Coyuchi
Confession time! This comfortable linen robe from Coyuchi isn’t so much for the orgasmic throes on the moon-lit blood slab as it is for the soothing next-evening aftermath. We all know that death orgies aren’t just fun and games but rather an act of psychical and spiritual endurance designed to fully bequeath our existence to the rapacious God-Whale that grants our vestigial powers. It is only through the blood-semen of the innocent that we can quell its cetacean hunger though the ritual we call The Gushing Hour. It only makes sense that the next day has us feeling (pardon the pun) drained! This robe is a reminder to slow down every now and then, grab a glass of wine and maybe some potluck leftovers, and enjoy the act of simply being okay.
Whale-bless you and your many, many, many, many children,
“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially
Images: Saks Fifth Avenue / AliExpress / AliExpress / Amazon / Amazon / Coyuchi