11 Easy Steps To Ensure You’ll Die Alone

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Listen, technically, we’re all going to die alone. If you’re asking “Am I going to die alone?” the answer is unequivocally: yes. But some of us want to take it a step further and ensure that we’re also alone for the days/months/years leading up to it … that’s right—the “intentionally single” life. And we’re here with tips to help you successfully and, yes, intentionally, die alone. All alone.

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11. Do Those Sweet Things You Wish Someone Else Would Do, But for Yourself

There’s something undeniably beautiful about being with someone who you know will always have your back. Someone whose complete body and soul are there to make you feel great. But if you’re all “Yeah, I’ll take a pass” on a perfect recipe for basic human happiness, then there’s luckily a device for almost everything these days. And they’re ready to go even if you haven’t cooked a surprise dinner for them, am I right? Get a back scratcher. A foot massager. A vibrator and/or flesh light. You get the gist.

10. When You Meet Someone New, Don’t Get Their Information

Let’s say you’re at the bar, knockin’ back a few with your chums, and you meet someone who is for sure the love of your life. They find every excuse to touch you or your hand, they talk really close up, and they say your name a lot. You could see having kids, getting a house, and growing old with this wonderful new human being. Never learn their last name, always ignore their texts (if you were stupid enough to give up your information), and make sure that even if they find you on social media, that they never hear from you again.

9. Be an Absolute Monster to Service People around Your Friends

Never look a service person, like a waiter, for example, in the eye. Especially in front of your closest friends. Snapping your fingers at them always helps. Also, make sure to mention your net worth at least four times during the meal. Then, unleash your inner monster and send back food, insult them as they walk away (yet are still within hearing-distance), and don’t tip. Announce your intentions of “not tipping” to the group out of nowhere, interrupting a previously-interesting conversation. This will ensure that they’ll never invite you to “smaller” birthday parties, trust you with their children, or even want to ask you to help them move, because they will never want to spend that much one-on-one time with you again. Ever. Mission accomplished.

8. Turn Your Bed into Your Significant Other, Basically

The goal here is to make it seem like someone else is there. First step is to buy a bunch of those hand warmers for when you’re in the snow. Second step is to put them in a body pillow (preferably the kind that has arms, like this cool one the Japanese invented), so that it feels like a real, oxygen-breathing, 98.6° human being has voluntarily chosen to sleep next to you—and that they want you to touch them. Pro tip: Keep sharp knives at the foot of your bed where someone else’s toenails would be and really get in there by cutting the top of your heel on the knives about twice a month.

7. Stay in All the Time Doing Nothing and Tell People You’re “Super Busy OMG”

You know when your friends (and everyone else you care about) make plans to either celebrate their birthdays or something else that means a lot to them? Forget that shit. Skip all of them and stay at home, doing basically nothing, alone. Mmmm. If you really want to do it right, say you’re going to the events so that they think you’ll be there, but still don’t show up. This guarantees maximum alienation.

6. Masturbate Real Loud, All the Time

Remember when you were just coming-of-age and your parents were for sure not going to be home for an extended period of time? Masturbate that loud. Get a real nice sound set-up (it’s not like you’re going to the movies anyway) and play any adult entertainment you want to as loud as you possibly can. People should call the cops if you get it just right. That’ll also help you emotionally reject your neighbors. Awesome! Speaking of which …

5. Murder Your Nicest, Most Well-Beloved Neighbor

It can be a little old lady who always hands out anonymous Christmas cards (with cookies) to everyone on your floor, just to make sure you feel at home. She always adorns her rent-controlled apartment with pictures of her multiple grandchildren, and talks about them all the time. Brutally murder her by any means. Make sure she suffers for as long as humanly possible (this guarantees a longer sentence). Then call the cops.

4. Represent Yourself in Court

There’s nothing more negligent, irresponsible, and ill-advised than representing yourself in court. Especially if you have a meager college education, no formal law degree, and have only seen My Cousin Vinny once. You will likely get first-degree murder with prior intent, but don’t worry about that. Be your own lawyer. Go nuts. What do you have to lose? It’s all going to be over soon anyway. Use retorts like “C’mon,” “Who cares?” and “Hold on, shut up” directly at the judge. Make fun of what they’re wearing and call them “nerd robes” throughout the trial. Really have fun with it. You’ll get life in prison.

3. When in Jail, Be Incredibly Aloof

According to books, people have the same “first day of camp” instinct when they enter prison as a new inmate. Ignore everything your mind/survival instinct is telling you to do and never talk to anyone. Never learn a single name. Keep masturbating extremely loudly during this period. Laugh every time.

2. Do Something “Death Penalty Bad” While in Jail

Make a shiv using a toothbrush and make sure that it’s sharp enough to pierce skin and use it on what you feel is “enough” people. According to California (a real wiener-ass state on the death penalty), if you’re serving life in prison and commit “fatal assault by a prisoner serving a life sentence,” then you get a one-way ticket straight to hell! Death penalty, ba-beee! Choo Choo!

1. Request Your Last Meal Be a Half-Pepperoni/Half-Anchovies Pizza

This will be the most disgusting thing you do on your journey. While many anchovy lovers think this is a reasonable way to “split” a pizza with someone who isn’t clinically insane, the garbage juices from the slime-monsters on the other side of the pizza always spill over into the actual food. Everyone will be glad you’re going to die.

I know this all sounds easy, but give yourself plenty of time to plan in advance, get everything right, and don’t rush it. People can tell when you rush things. Once you’re finally tied down, bite hard on that leather, and get ready to complete this quick, simple, and fun way to die completely alone!

Image: Unsplash


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Brian Gilmore: Brian Gilmore has spent the last 15 years as part of the witness protection program and figures it's about time. The crooks are all probably not mad anymore. So now he's publicly writing for websites again. Fingers crossed!

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