How To Make Mac And Cheese For Your Black Friends, AKA The Correct Way

June 9, 2018 by
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You know, there’s an old saying that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I’ve always found that to be true of all people, regardless of gender. People love to eat! More importantly, people love to eat together. There’s no easier way to bond with someone than sharing a good meal with them. In this day and age, with everyone in this country ready to tear each other apart over religion and politics, a little bonding over a good meal is a good thing! And if you’re a “Friendly White Person” who wants to spend time with people outside of your circle, sharing a meal may honestly be the best way to do it.

Here’s the thing though — your food sucks. Now before you get defensive and start spouting some alt-white sounding nonsense, remember, I’m trying to help. Acceptance is the first step to recovery, my Caucasian friend.

I’m bridging the gap here to explain something to you: if you’re planning on inviting some of your black friends to your place to enjoy a little friendly political discourse over a pleasant meal, you won’t get very far if everything tastes like mayonnaise and ketchup. I’m going to be real with you, chief — if you bring me over for dinner and the most flavorful product you have in your home is a box of Cheerios, we’re going to have a problem.

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So let’s start with a side dish that everyone loves — mac and cheese! With just a few alterations, you can make a fantastic mac and cheese dish that everyone will love! Couple of things though before we get started:

black mac cheeseOne, grab your box of raisins. Throw them out the window. This isn’t even specific to mac and cheese, just stop mixing raisins into shit where it doesn’t belong, okay? NO ONE LIKES RAISINS. A white woman once offered me a salad with raisins in it. I distracted her by throwing a smoke bomb, escaping, and calling homeland security. The terrorists didn’t win that day.

Two, pull out that casserole pan—we’re baking the mac and cheese, just as God intended. Do not serve us a bowl of soupy cheese. Don’t do it. I want that shit baked so hard you could throw the pan against the wall and the pasta still wouldn’t spill out the container.

 

Now let’s get started!

 

Ingredients:

Macaroni pasta

3 cups macaroni, uncooked

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2 eggs

½ cup heavy cream

1 ½ cups milk

Salt and pepper

Garlic (optional, but not really)

A shit ton of shredded cheese (I like cheddar, but choose whatever you want)

 

Instructions:

  • Preheat oven to 350 degrees
  • Cook your macaroni noodles according to box/bag instructions, just don’t overcook! Drain, and then put back into the pan.
  • Grab a large bowl and combine the milk, heavy cream, eggs, and at least three cups of cheddar cheese. Mix that shit. Pour it into the mac and cheese already cooked into the pan. Mix that shit.
  • Add salt and pepper. Dash of garlic powder. Got some paprika? Sprinkle some in too. The most important thing I can tell you today is that Flavor isn’t just a magazine from Living Single. I want you to get real familiar with the concept of seasoning, because no POC will eat your food without it
  • Mix that shit.
  • Pour everything into the baking dish. Make sure everything’s evenly distributed. Sprinkle some more cheese on top, then pop it in the oven for 45 minutes, or until top layer is light brown.
  • Eat while discussing how much we all miss Obama.

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  1. Craig, the Intern

6 Comments

  1. One question. Is that a metric shit-ton or a British long shit-ton? I’m not quite clear on the conversions.

    Love the article. Keep it up!

  2. The best article Ive read on the site so far. So happy to see a black woman writing for this site.

  3. Can I write a reply article titled “fuck you, here’s a recipe that includes raisins, spices and white people”?

  4. While I agree with all the spices I do not agree with baking any Mac. But hey I’m a white Jew and think using matzah to make pizza is a good idea, so WTF do I know? Thanks for the fantastic article!

    Throw out your raisins!!!!

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