If there’s one thing you don’t want to be at work, it’s not chill. The cold, hard truth is that people who are 100% professional come off like condescending dicks, with their “productivity” and their ending every sentence with a period. That person will not get far in business because everyone is secretly afraid of being serial killed by them. However, our handy guide to sounding chill in work e-mails will ensure you never fall into this trap. Remember: Treat every business e-mail like you’re texting to figure out brunch plans. Talk chill and the world will be chill to you.
Abbrevs
Use the following abbrevs to step up your e-mail game. People will think, “Wow what a chill person” and not, “did she get Freaky Friday’d with a 14-year-old?”
- Information → Info
- Professional → Profesh
- Revenue → $$$
- Downsizing → Cry Face Emoji
- Nicknames. If you can come up with funky fresh nicknames for the employees at your company and get them to catch on, you can add “Brand Consultant” to your resume.
Practice Scenarios
1. You’re the Office Manager and you need to tell the other employees not to leave dirty dishes in the sink. Try this:
Heyyyy [Company Name] Babies,
I’ve peeped a ton of dirty birdies in the sink and want y’all to know that you’re doing great and I appreciate all your hard work. But if you wanna be a true rockstar you can pop those puppies right into the dishwasher that’s just a cool 6 inches from the sink.
2. HR Complaint
HR Complaints can be the most un-chill of all business e-mails. Adding a breezy tone can take a harassment complaint and tone down the bummer factor by orders of magnitude balls-hundred percent.
Hi [Employee Name],
This e-mail is a quick ‘lil heads up that another employee filed some hot goss against you. There’ll be a meetup to hash out the deets, but it’s pretty srs so don’t talk to anyone about it irl. Meeting’s tomorrow at 3 in my office (“office” omg I feel so grown-up!). Bring receipts.
3. Downsizing
Firing people is hard because it’s the one scenario in life where ghosting does NOT work. This person will keep showing up and expect you to pay them. Be quick and just rip off the Band-Aid. As in:
You’re canceled [cry face emoji]. Byeeeee.
There you have it. A few simple ways to sound chill in work e-mails. Ur welcome, bebes.
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