How To Tell When Your House Plants Are Sick Of Listening To You Talk
As everyone knows, talking to your house plants has been shown to help them grow. But plants are naturally reticent, quiet fellow beings, and that means it’s really best to chat with them in moderation. Here are some signs to watch out for that your ficus is getting really goddamn sick of your constant yapping.
Your Plants Turn Toward “The Sun”
It’s natural for many forms of fauna to instinctively seek out the Sun, but if they happen to only turn toward “the Sun”—i.e., any direction you aren’t in—when you enter the room, there may be another issue. Plants are not good at confrontation, so take this constant shying away as a hint. It’s possible your plant really isn’t interested in your endless recounting of 20-year-old Friends episodes. Ask yourself: Is this in their interest, or just yours? Ferns don’t care that it was Chandler who peed on Monica. They just care about nitrogen.
Signs Of Trouble Are Growing
It’s so exciting when a houseplant gains a new branch or flower, but if your plants’ new growth seems to look like tiny hands desperately clamping over wherever their ears should be, this can be another sign that you need to shut up. You can attempt to manage the problem by staking new growth away from the central stem, but if your plant repeatedly snaps the stake in half in an effort to shield itself from your third night of drunkenly explaining tacos, it’s probably time to just let it be.
Your Plants Offer Unsolicited Advice
The final stage in the hatred cycle of the houseplant is abrupt. Plants don’t generally speak, but you don’t generally shut up, so when would you have heard them if they did? If you hear a teeny tiny voice shriek “My GOD, WOMAN, she didn’t just FORGET to respond to SEVEN texts,” beware. Your plant is completely sick of your bullshit and done with all illusions to the contrary. Our advice: Block the exits quickly. Otherwise, the last you’ll see of your lucky bamboo is an empty pot and a trail of dirt leading to the nearest door.