So, you’ve done a Jumanji. It’s not your fault, but the fact of the matter is that you started playing a mysterious board game you found in your attic and now your home is filled swarms of dangerous Jumanji animals straight out of an unimaginable alternate jungle dimension. You’re going to have to deal with them till you finish the game. You don’t want to neglect helpless, possibly supernatural but terrifyingly real creatures, do you?
These will probably the easiest species from that mysterious jungle outside of time and space to manage. Sure, they’re prone to mischievous bouts of grand theft auto, but they won’t hurt you—probably. We really only have experience with the monkeys of this universe, and barely any of that. Just make sure you have lots of fruit in your kitchen and maybe some stylish macrame for them to swing from. Warning: Your home is going to be covered in shit. Lots and lots of shit. Just hold your breath and roll the dice again.
They’re meat-eaters, so you’re going to have to compromise the integrity of your vegan kitchen and stock up on steaks or run the risk of your adorable toy poodle meeting a grisly, drooly demise. In fact, you might want to board Princess Fluffernutter for the time being. You’ve got a lot on your plate right now.
They enjoy rolling in sand to cool themselves off, so now’s the time to dig up a nice decorative pit in your garden and get the hell out of the way.
The most important thing is getting him to understand he’s no longer on a Jumanji animal safari in an ill-defined place on the space-time continuum but in a modern urban epicenter. They’re very intelligent creatures. Once you explain that walking around Kroger’s with a musket isn’t really what’s done around here, he’ll be grumpy, but he’ll comply.
It’s all about pruning. Make sure you’ve got some good, sturdy gardening shears. Those vines can grow very fast and very thick, and they want to eat you.
Fuck them. They’re on their own.
Images: TriStar Pictures