Get The Look: A Junior High Principal
Nothing ever goes away forever. Anything you thought was safely ensconced in the past eventually comes back, like fashion and your junior high principal. It’s too bad Mr. Sutherland died of a heart attack four months after he retired, because his style is the new hotness.
The Signature ‘Stache
If you want to look like a junior high principal, you’re going to need to grow a bushy mustache. Make it look like you first grew it back in 1980 and people seemed to dig it so you decided to make it your “thing” forever.
Get A Tan (Blazer)
Pretend like your heartless ex-wife look everything in the divorce, head down to the Goodwill, and get yourself a tan blazer. It must be tan, and it must have those elbow patches on it. Never, ever launder or press this blazer, and get some cat hair on it. Your cat, Mr. Bojangles, still loves you, and he shows it by getting his hair on all your clothes.
Let’s Get Waist-ed
While you’re at the Goodwill, pick up some khakis. These should not match the blazer. It’s way more “junior high principal” if it’s a shade that isn’t quite complementary. They’ll also need to be not quite big enough to go around your waist, so your belly hangs out over your belt. That post-depression weight gain from eating take-and-bake pizzas every night is a real killer.
Underneath that blazer and tucked tightly into those khakis should be a really thin dress shirt. Those blazers are hot, so the thinner, the better. Don’t worry if everybody can see your nipples through your shirt—that’s a key part of the look. If you’re modest, layer it on top of the undershirt you’ll wear when you’re eating your take-and-bake pizza.
The Hair Up There
To fully nail that “junior high principal” style, shave most of the top of your head, leaving some bushy bits above the ears and around the back. A real principal never has hair, what with the stress from the divorce and those damn disrespectful eighth-graders.
Throw a ring of keys on your belt, put on an ugly tie that doesn’t quite reach your waist, and extend your arm out into a high-five that will never be returned. Now get to class!