Hiking in the Pacific Northwest is a go-to for fitness and nature-lovers alike. However, there’s one major potential danger that prevents many from enjoying the experience to the fullest: being kidnapped by Sasquatch. That’s right. At least half a dozen hikers per year report Sasquatch sightings, and several more report missing friends and relatives due to those sightings. So in the spirit of trail safety, here are the most essential exercises to avoid being kidnapped by Sasquatch.
There are few known facts about Sasquatch, but from all the conjecture, hoaxes, and half-truths, a few consistencies are evident. First of all, he’s large. Reported to be anywhere between 6.5 and 8 feet tall and 350 to 500 pounds. While that height may be advantageous in short distances, it’s a liability if you can turn the chase into a test of endurance. Burpees are a great total body cardiovascular exercise—whether you’re training for a mud run or fleeing from a legendary cryptid.
As we all know, a bipedal animal as tall and heavy as Sasquatch isn’t very agile. So one of your best physical tools will be lateral movement. Like a gazelle evading a cheetah, a sudden change of direction will leave that stupid primate stumbling into the bushes while you gleefully “whoop” at him (the Sasquatch equivalent of a big “fuck you”). That hairy asshole definitely skips leg day.
It’s come to this. Whether he’s chased you into a thicket, or maybe cornered you in a canyon, you can’t outrun him any more. It’s kill or be killed. In addition to the agility that you’ve developed through the burpees and side lunges, you need upper body strength to take down Sasquatch, or at least wound him enough to escape. Once you’re in position, you’ll need power behind a good palm strike, chop, or punch, and the best exercise for that is the simple push-up.
Just perform these three exercises as a circuit three times a week, and you’ll never need to worry about Sasquatch kidnapping you again.
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