It’s true that imitation is the best form of flattery, but that’s not always ideal when your deity is a 900,000-lb. God Whale with the malevolent power of alchemy. Alas, those marathon sessions in our prayer/opium dens can do a number on the belly, which is why the Church Of False-Vestigially has implemented a state-of-the-art health program with only a 40% failure* rate. It’s called the “LSD Hole Diet,” and it’s totally shaking up the diet world.
Step one is simply showing up at one of my Church’s many roadside worship/gym huts and applying for the program. You will be asked to sign a lot of lengthy paperwork that’s mostly technical jargon and will only hold you back from your fitness goals if you attempt to read them. Once checked in, you will be encouraged to surrender your phone and identification before immediately shuttling to the closest fitness camp. Upon arrival, our friendly but aggressively motivational staff will help you don our Church-patented subjugation-themed fitness bodysuit and show you to your specialized diet hole. Many of our customers complain about the suit’s initial constriction, but after those pounds start to drop, we promise that the leather eye-straps will be dripping off you!
Once ceremoniously lowered inside, you will be given a low-energy diet of LSD tabs (with almost zero sugar and calories) and artisanal ditch grains farmed from our most sacred of sacrificial gutters. To pass the time, you will be treated with my own soothing voice in the form of audiobook recordings of my many works, including such classics as Fear Doctor: Murder The Swine Liars and I Am The Forever-Serpent.
But hey, don’t take my word for it. Here’s just some of the many positive testimonials from satisfied customers:
“Like you, I resisted at first, but now that I have ascended to this new form, memories of struggle are but the faded narrative of a stranger’s life. The haunt of my former self.” –Fitness Subject #769
“Yes, the artisanal ditch grains are stained red and taste of pennies, but after awhile, you start to forget where you end and the grain begins. Eventually, you will be the grain, and the grain will be you. It’s circular. Eternal. Anyway, I’m now down to a size 4 and haven’t felt this confident in decades.” –Fitness Subject #5720
“The Whale has me.” –Fitness Subject #62
While we can’t legally promise anything beyond rapid weight loss, subjects have begun to report many other positive side effects of the LSD Hole Diet, including:
- Clearer skin
- Translucent skin
- Rippling skin
- Skin with worms crawling under it
- Ability to communicate with skin worms
- Ability to join under-skin worm society
- Ability to gradually move up the social ranks of worm society
- Worm rebellion leadership
- Worm kingdom management
- Sex with Worm Queen
- Divorce with Worm Queen
- Moving out of worm castle
- Developing a gambling problem in worm casino
- Filing for worm bankruptcy
- Taking worm real estate night classes
- Writing a book about getting your worm life back together
- Increased energy
Look, no one said that losing weight was going to be easy. Judging from the nightly wails echoing over our camps’ fitness trenches and barbed wire protection barriers, our program isn’t going to be all fun and games. But great change can only be achieved by escaping your comfort zone and jumping headfirst into that distressing abyss of self-improvement—personified, in this case, by our trained staff of tribal-masked Fitness Enforcers who will, if necessary, throttle you until you have achieve your weight loss dream.
May the Whale God eat your flabby flesh,
“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially
*death
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