You Can Buy Culkin Cheddar As Long As You Don’t Ask Where It Comes From

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If you’re as much of a foodie as we are, you’ve probably heard about cheese made from the bacteria found on humans. Well, we’re excited to announce that, like all trends, we’re hopping right on this one! As of this very moment you can buy cheese made from the bacteria found on Macaulay Culkin’s celebrity (and therefore objectively superior) body. Culkin Cheddar has a sharp, salty flavor that enhances any meal, and it’s modestly priced. So as long as you don’t ask too many questions about where it comes from, we guarantee that you’ll be thrilled with your purchase!

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Available in either a limp, pre-shredded package or a long, hard block, Culkin Cheddar is great for spicing up dishes that have grown stale. Add it to your pasta, put some kick in your chili, or just pop it right in your mouth for a quick treat! We know that it can seem like one block of cheddar tastes more or less the same as the next, but trust us, Culkin Cheddar is in a league of its own. Drizzle some over your nachos or popcorn, and the next thing you know your face will be covered in it! Just try not to think too hard about any of the details.

We know that you might feel anxious about eating cheese made from anyone, let alone a (very famous) stranger. That’s perfectly natural, but so is the cheese! Let us reassure you that Culkin Cheddar is completely safe and disease free, as verified by the FDA. And everyone who’s ever eaten it, even if they’ve since chosen to part ways with the product, has had nothing but good things to say about the experience. And as long as you tell yourself that the relevant bacteria probably just came from his elbows you’ve got nothing to lose.

And keep an eye on our store for the arrival of moist, creamy Macaulaybert that you also won’t want to know too much about!

Image: Pixabay


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Mark Hill: Mark has written for Cracked, the Modern Rogue, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, the Atlantic, Motherboard, the Daily Dot, and a bunch of other places that he can't remember off the top of his head. He also writes most of the nation's grocery lists.

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