I Went Down Four Pant Sizes On The Matter-Eater Lad Diet

The holiday season is fast approaching, and for many Americans, that means weight gain. And while most diets make pie-in-the-sky promises that don’t deliver, one diet is proven to lower your waist size and kill cravings. It’s The Matter-Eater Lad Diet.

In case you’re unfamiliar, Matter-Eater Lad is an adventurer from one of DC’s finest superhero teams. No, not the Justice League. Or the Teen Titans (though he is age-appropriate). No, no not Infinity, Inc. We mean The Legion of Super-Heroes! Never really heard of them? That’s okay.

Matter-Eater Lad is a lad who can eat matter. Like, any of it. Hammers, chain link fences, wrenches, anything! And he has an excellent physique. I decided to give his diet a try, and I dropped down four pant sizes in a matter of weeks—all thanks to a superhero I only sort of like.

How It Works

The Matter-Eater Lad Diet is all about replacing the food you eat with something inedible. Eat a bicycle. Literally. Whether you break the bike down to its parts, cook it, or knosh into a Schwinn raw, I guarantee you’ll lose weight. And I know what you’re thinking: “But I don’t have the tooth dexterity nor digestive system of the heroic Matter-Eater Lad, or any of the alien species on his home planet of Bismoll! How can I eat a bike?” That’s the point.

I don’t care if it’s the bike chain, the body, or the bell, you will damage your teeth and jaw. That’s part of the plan. With all the expensive dental repair, you won’t be tempted by actual food, either due to the fact that it has to be in liquid form or because your medical bills are so high you won’t be able to afford it anymore.

Not that you would ever be hungry for food. Solid metal, rubber, and plastic take a long time for humans to digest, so your system will be working doubly hard to keep itself alive via fat stores while attempting to work the bicycle out of your system. (Note: You won’t be able to poop all of it out. You will be forever full.)

When you have completed this highly effective program, I guarantee you will say something no one has ever said aloud or in print: “Thank God for Matter-Eater Lad.”

Images: Unsplash, DC Comics