The Michelin Guide To Eating Ass

Besides prudish parents, society at large, and your rabbi (who’s tired of you asking about it every single Shabbat service), who says eating ass can’t be classy? It all depends on the meal itself. Which is why we’re pleased to present the Michelin Guide to Eating Ass. When it comes to awarding achievement in tushie excellence, Michelin considers these vital factors:

1. Mastery of Flavor

Anal cunnilingus connoisseurs know that the taste of your balloon knot is the first and last impression guests will be left with. To enhance your bottom’s natural savoriness, it’s important to always tend to your sphincter and give it the love and care it deserves with proper diet and hygiene. Also keep in mind that your butt isn’t just a snack, but an entire experience. Serve it with appetizers—preferably on-theme. Fried calamari, chocolate-covered dried apricots, and other tiny, puckered delectables will put diners in the right frame of mind for what’s to come. As for what to drink, always pair with a wine that has the same attributes as a choice posterior: dry, sweet, and aged a minimum of 18 years.

2. Consistency

One of the most difficult-to-achieve elements of caca cuisine is the consistency of the meals. And no, we don’t mean replicating the same flavor and experience each and every time. We’re talking about structural integrity and viscosity, and preferably, no poop. Achieving this goes back to always tending to your ass garden (which is an especially apt metaphor here considering how you don’t want yours to be too watery or crawling with worms).

3. Creativity and Personality of the Meal

Possibly the most important factor in standing out during this process is what you specifically bring to the experience. There are all sorts of creative things you can do with your butthole (tie-dye, bedazzle, etc.). Consider making it an Australian-themed adventure by encouraging your partner(s) to lick counterclockwise. Add googly eyes and make it talk like Ace Ventura. Just remember, this is about being classy, so limit brown-eye discussion to highbrow topics, such as international economic policy or 19th century Swedish operas before commencing with the tongue action.

Keep these ass-eating factors in mind, and before you know it, one or nine Michelin judges may roll through and award you and your fine backside one of their coveted Michelin Chocolate Starfish!

Image: Pexels, Pexels