I Survived The Mick Foley Day Spa

When it comes to pampering myself, there’s no place nor price that will stop me from making sure my mind, body, and soul are properly nourished. Whether its relaxing Russian baths in NYC to hot Bikram yoga classes in Los Angeles to tantric sex torture in Czechoslovakian dungeons, I’ve tried it. I know what makes me feel good, and I’m here to help guide you balance your chakras! That’s why I was so surprised when one of the most relaxing spas I’ve ever been too was owned by a former professional wrestler.

My bestie, Sarah (pronounced Sur-RAH) turned me on to a sweet little Mick Foley day spa on Long Island. Spa employees are usually strikingly beautiful people. That was also true of a few of the guys in this particular spa, but for sure didn’t apply to the one who greeted me at the door. He was missing most of his teeth and looked like a Charles Manson Santa Claus. But, I didn’t want to judge a book by its cover, so I walked in and began my melt into total relaxation and bliss.

Mankind Mud Mask

Not only did the “Mankind Mud Mask” leave me feeling glamorous, but I noticed its positive effect on my mental attitude. The brain is the hardest muscle to massage, but as the mask hardened, my worries began to escape. I felt the urge to pull out some hair from the top of my head, so I followed it, leaving a fresh cranial landscape for new strands to blossom. The atmosphere was the trick. I was locked in the boiler room of the spa for quite some time. Peace, quiet, darkness … mind cleared.

Rating: A

Mandible Claw Massage

When it comes to full body massages, I’m always a bit squirmy. It makes it hard to relax with a stranger’s hands roaming my body. That’s why Mick’s “Mandible Claw Massage” was perfect. I had total relaxation. The masseuse simply put his hand in my throat and pushed on the back of my tongue, causing me to instantly fall limp in a semi-state of paralyzed bliss. It’s the loosest I’ve left a massage and there were NO WANDERING HANDS. PRO-TIP: If you’ve tried this once, go back and do it again, this time ask for the “Sock-O Special”. Once you get past the smell, it’s nirvana.

Rating: A+

Cactus Jack Smoothie Bar

With the mending and care my external body was receiving, I needed balance for my insides. The “Cactus Jack Smoothie” really hit the spot. Made out of the simple ingredients of cactus milk and jack fruit, this yummy concoction was served shooter style, “Bang, Bang!” Each shot rehydrated my vital organs and reengaged the senses. Kudos to Mick for figuring out such a simple formula that’s helped me with a personal record of losing 20 pounds in one day!

Rating: A

Actual Dude Love

This was a feature of the spa that I didn’t find out until after I paid, but boy, was it nice. As I adventured through the premises a man named Dewey occasionally ran to my side, sometimes grabbing my hand with passionate vigor and placing it in his. It made me feel warm. It made me feel loved. It was actually just a side service called “Actual Dude Love”. That’s right, a dude just tries his best to show you love while you take in your retreat. Pretty simple. He offered me a hug when I emerged from the boiler room and cried as I left for the day. No lover has ever done that.

Rating: A+

Have A Nice Day Mints

The mints are the only part of the spa I felt the need to warn anyone about. A fresh mouth can mean a fresh spirit, but be careful what you pull out of the Mick Foley day spa’s mint dish because a few of the treats turned out to be thumbtacks.

Rating: D-

So what do I think? I’ve had my asshole bleached by a heated up Obsidian crystal that was blessed by a South American Moon Priestess in an ancient ritual that supposedly provides ultimate relaxation, but even that wasn’t as purifying and rejuvenating as Mick’s.

I don’t often give an A out after only one visit, but today I’m being a gracious bitch. Namaste.

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