Our Step By Step Guide To Shoving Your Entire Fist In Your Mouth

For years people have been whispering about the therapeutic properties of sticking your entire first in your mouth. It’s been called Mouth Fisting, and the benefits are both spiritual and physical. It’s a fun and relaxing pastime and it stretches out your jaw so you can fit even more cheeseburgers in there. I’d had a long hard week of training to box a Komodo dragon and promoting my yodeling concept album so I was ready to unwind by lighting some candles and seeing if I could get my whole entire fist in my mouth.

At first it seemed like an impossible task. There are several different positions you can try to get your hand as far into the mouth hole as possible. The method pictured below is known is the “Master Of Hand Puppets”. Make your hand flat like a hand puppet and go straight in fingers first. Apparently this works better if your mouth is deep but not very tall. I don’t know what my mouth shape is because I’ve never tried to put my entire fist in my mouth before so I decided to tackle this bad boy first.

Something clearly went wrong here. I wouldn’t recommend this method. I think I poked my tonsils, which was spiritually distressing for me.

Next I decided to try packing it in using the “Smack My Fist Up” method. Make one fist into a tight little ball and keep the other hand open like you’re about to smack a kamodo dragon right in its smug face. Use your kamodo dragon smackin’ hand to pound that fist as far into your mouth as possible.

As you can tell this felt very peaceful. The peace was just coursing through my veins causing my face to contract into a peaceful grimace. The pain of my teeth drilling into my knuckles sent calming adrenaline coursing through my relaxed veins. The only downside to this is that I couldn’t actually fit my whole fist in my mouth using this method.

Next I decided to get a little crazy and “Double Fist It.” This method is generally reserved for professionals but you know what they say, live fast, die young, and shove both of your fists in your mouth.

As I had hoped double fisting it definitely made me double peaceful. Unfortunately, while in my blissful haze I realized that my wedding ring was actually missing. While removing my fist from my mouth it had somehow wriggled off and gone done my throat. Don’t worry I got it back.

I just regurgitated it through my nose like a beautiful mother bird. It got stuck for a while and I was afraid I was going to have to call a doctor and explain how this symbol of my eternal love for my husband became lodged in my nasal passage like a lego. Anyway, I retrieved it, rinsed it off, and immediately put it back in my mouth which as you can imagine was a great idea!

All in all I give this experiment three cheeseburgers, which is the amount I think I can probably fit in my mouth after this. Sure I technically couldn’t get my fist all the way in there but the “Anaconda Do Want Some Of Your Fist In Your Mouth Hun” method just felt right. Love where you are today, and where I am today is a wonderful place with my fist halfway down my throat.