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Cleanses are all the rage right now. Any website you go to will talk about the latest cleanse with the craziest ingredients. I wanted to try one, but I didn’t want to go hip or expensive, so I decided to go old school. To celebrate National Ranch Dressing Day I started on the ranch dressing cleanse.

Day 1

My morning started with a quick cup of four tablespoons of ranch dressing and wow I love the creamy flavor! It goes down like a solid protein shake and I was shocked how much I didn’t mind the texture. I did almost choke to death when I got a little overzealous with the second sip I took. It’s really hard to gauge how much ranch dressing will be a delicious sip and how much will be a total choking hazard. I then went to do a quick three-mile jog. Surprisingly I didn’t have a ton of energy. The dressing has zero protein so I had to skip doing weights.

I was so ready for lunch that I had to eat it at 10 AM. Boy this ranch dressing doesn’t hold you over that well. Thankfully for lunch I get to mix it up. I get to eat two cups of iceberg lettuce and four more tablespoons of Ranch Dressing. This lunch was so good. I didn’t almost die once because with the lettuce to break up the dressing nothing got caught in my throat!

By 3 PM I was exhausted. I closed my office door and took a quick 4-hour nap. I actually ended up at work until seven. I called my boyfriend (who was very concerned when I was two hours late from work with no word from me) and told him to get started on dinner.

Two more cups of iceberg lettuce covered in four delicious ounces of ranch dressing later (dinner) and I was ready for sleep. I woke up a few times with night sweats. I think this means my body is in detox.

Day 2

I woke up today feeling great. After throwing up for a brief twenty to thirty minutes I quickly drank my ranch breakfast smoothie and I was ready to get going. After about twenty to thirty more minutes of unrelenting vomiting I was in my car on the way to work. I pulled over for a quick 2-hour nap. I got to work and was on my game for three hours. I feel like I don’t need food anymore, I’ve moved past that in my new clean lifestyle. It’s just me and ranch dressing from now on. Two more meals of 2 cups of lettuce and four ounces of ranch dressing for lunch and dinner. At about 7 pm I was exhausted from a full day of productive ranch-fueled work. My pores felt tingly and I had just begun to notice a strange odor when I suddenly felt light headed and everything went dark.

Day 3

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Conclusion

The doctors told me I had been unconscious in my office for two days before my boyfriend found me. Unfortunately, they didn’t know about my dietary choices and pumped me full of non-ranch liquids. I wish I could continue trying this cleanse out, but I had to sign a paper saying I would never do this sort of thing again, or they wouldn’t let me out of this hospital. I beg of you, do not try the ranch dressing cleanse. It turns out it’s unhealthy to just consume ranch dressing all day. I mean who even invented the ranch dressing cleanse? Right?!

On the bright side, I guess after this my next article on a juice cleanse should be a lot easier!