Switching to natural cleaning products cuts down on pollution and removes a serious safety hazard for your kids, pets, and even household help. And while it will definitely seem like you’re concerned with your maid’s well-being around all those abrasive, unregulated substances, you’ll both know what this really is: A power move. Because everybody knows natural cleaning products suck dick and secretly make cleaning 40 times harder. Once you make the switch to these eco-friendly products, your house will instantly transform from a pristine palace into a psychological chess board for your personal amusement. She may be the maid, but you know how to play dirty.
White Vinegar Cleaner
Vinegar cleaner is a catch-all replacement for all-purpose cleaner. This specific product is just vinegar and water, and yes—it’s exactly the same as the vinegar and water you already have in the kitchen. Except you’re paying a company to put the water into the vinegar for you. The extra money spent will be worth it when, after your maid wipes down every surface in the house, you call out “Yoo hoo! Why does it smell like vinegar in here? Please get rid of the smell.” You sly minx.
A Smart Vacuum
You might be asking yourself “Why would I invest in an expensive robot vacuum when I already have an expensive human maid?” After all, there are never any crumbs on the floor since the family switched to an all-steam diet. Here’s why: to establish competition. You bring the robot vacuum in and you start calling it by your maid’s name (Edwina). Then you start calling your maid Edwina II. This energy efficient model will even conserve battery power as it sweeps away her sense of job security.
Natural Floor Cleaner
This gentle floor cleaner contains nothing more than water and grapefruit, so it doesn’t need to be diluted before mopping. And without the quick-drying compound found in its chemical-based counterparts, it will leave you with a prolonged opportunity to “mistakenly” step on a still-wet section she just finished cleaning as you purr an innocent “ooopss.”
Sansevieria House Plant
According to Pinterest science, this plant purifies the air like some kind of air mop. It’s not your responsibility to figure out how it works—that’s her job. And you expect to see results by the end of the day.
Swapping out your household cleaners for these eco-friendly counterparts will reduce the risk of water contamination, keep your family safe, and subtly rattle that complacent maid of yours. And all under the guise of caring about her health and the health of the planet (knowing full well your family has already secured a plot in the city of Zuckerburg on Earth II).
Your move, Edwina.