Our Vaginal Jade Eggs Hatched Into Vaginal Jade Birds and the Pain is Unimaginable

Last spring, Bunny Ears introduced the world to the tremendous healing energy of vaginal jade eggs. Our bunny holes are powerful incubators of life—so powerful that the jade eggs we stuck up there hatched into vaginal jade birds. Now, we are thrilled to stop screaming in agony long enough to describe the pain we are experiencing as those winged monstrosities struggle to free themselves from our bodies. We have been transformed into vessels of unceasing torment.

The va-jay-jay should be a source of spiritual power. Unfortunately, many women harbor bad vibes all up in there, using their sacred spaces as metaphorical storage units for dusty boxes of sadness. Well, thanks to vaginal jade eggs, we’ve replaced all that negativity with the pain of a thousand cuts as gemstone feathers rip us apart in an ever-widening spiral of suffering.

The history of jade eggs stretches back thousands of years, so long that we’re actually pretty surprised no one warned us about the agonizing birds. In ancient China, concubines used jade eggs to keep things tight for the emperor. As modern women, we don’t have to worry about pleasing an emperor. Now that our eggs have hatched, our only lord is pain, and he rules our wombs with a burning fist. If the yoni is a deep well of nurturing, our wells are filling with blood. I want to stress that that is not just a figure of speech.

Remember, a jade egg can’t get stuck or lost inside you. Sadly, the same can’t be said for a jade bird. Those things can really move! Even as we speak (or rather, gibber in unintelligible anguish), our jade birds are stretching their wings—oh goddess, it is wall-to-wall agony—making their way up our fallopian tubes. More like fowl-opian tubes, am I right? Jesus Christ, even my asshole is sweating.

When selecting the stone for our eggs, we chose nephrite jade, which has incredible cleansing energy. Nephrite jade also produces birds with, as we recently discovered, terrific wingspan. Our heavy jade eggs have absolutely splintered into powerful beaked horrors. Of course, some women prefer to use rose quartz eggs, which tends to fill you with warmer and more romantic energy. Choose whichever egg is right for you, only remember that the choice is an illusion. Once the jade egg hatches, the only thing you will be filled with is the wrenching torment of malevolent life hatching inside of you.

These newborn chicks are really tearing things up down there. The border between our bodies and the pain is blurring, disappearing. We have been reduced to a bleeding mass of flesh, beak, claw and tormented feeling. We no longer fear death. In fact, we can no longer even imagine death. There is only pain.

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