All Of The Ways Your Pet Hedgehog Has A Far Better Life Than You Ever Will
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Hedgehogs, these unmistakably adorable mini-Koosh-balls will all undoubtedly lead a better life than you ever will. We will never amount to what they have achieved as a species and there’s no point in even trying. Human existence is a forced, unnatural, horrible, unfair, miserable experience that champions depriving yourself of anything that makes you happy. This is why your pet hedgehog will have a better life than you ever will.
Their Postnatal Care Is Amazing … Unlike Yours When the mom hedgehog has her hoglets, she is left alone with an almost unlimited amount of food and water to do whatever she wants for a whole week, because she is known to be temperamental at this time in her life — a courtesy and luxury that you capitalist pig corporate masters will never extend to you.
They’re Promiscuous Sex Machines … Unlike You
They literally go out and fuck whoever they want and it’s okay with everybody. Both male and female hedgehogs, equally, are known to swing with their mothers, dads, sisters, brothers, cousins, and any strangers they can find. A hedgehog’s gestation period is only 30 days long, which means that they can pretty much reproduce once a month. So their whole life is just shitting, fucking, sleeping, and eating. These are creatures who eat their own shit, then spit it out, make a weird poop-juice that they then put on their back when they have new quills coming in.
If you did any of this, you’d be publicly shamed and living under a bridge.
They’re Incredible Runners … You? Not So Much
They get a lot more exercise than you ever will. The average hedgehog spends the lion’s share of the night running on its overly-expensive wheel, which turns out to be at least two to three hours at a time. Hedgehogs end up running the equivalent of a full marathon-and-a-half per night, which means to get as much exercise as your hedgehog and to be just as ripped, you would have to run about 37 miles every single night. Meanwhile, you’re struggling to squeeze in a lazy quarter-mile speedwalk on a treadmill between a nap and a second nap.
They Know What They Want … Soooo Not You
If you’ve ever held a pet hedgehog and think they are snuggling with you, they are only doing what’s in their nature, which is to burrow. They think you’re dirt, and that if they dig they will find insects and worms to eat. They don’t have emotional attachments. They get what they need and move on. Transaction over. Go ahead, get over your ex right now. Ha! Thought so.
Hedgehogs are simple, utilitarian creatures, and yet they’ve got life way more figured out than you ever will. You will never, ever, ever experience the bliss of being a hedgehog. It’s a shame that your life would be so much better if you were a spiky rat.
Brian Gilmore: Brian Gilmore has spent the last 15 years as part of the witness protection program and figures it's about time. The crooks are all probably not mad anymore. So now he's publicly writing for websites again. Fingers crossed!