Philosophical Reasons You HAVE To Bleach Your Asshole

Some dilemmas in life can only be answered by analyzing the words of the great thinkers of humanity. People often turn to religion when pondering the big questions, but as a practical person who finds value in tangible thought structures rather than spiritual reconnaissance, I’m much more likely to turn to philosophy to answer the big questions. It was the ancient words of these great philosophical minds that convinced me without a doubt that you absolutely have to get your asshole bleached.

Decartes

“If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.” The immortal words of Descartes posit that when you doubt your asshole’s ability to shine like an alabaster star after just a single thorough bleaching you must, in order to truly say you have sought the answer and satisfied that doubt, embark on a journey. A journey to the internet where you can purchase an at-home asshole bleaching kit for as little as $7.

Hobbes

Perhaps the most ardent argument for asshole bleaching comes from Thomas Hobbes whose social contract theory can more or less be boiled down to this simple quote from his masterful 1651 book Leviathan. “Whatsoever you require that others should do to you, that do ye to them.” Simply put this means your asshole must mirror the asshole you expect to see in others. If you’re going to be looking at someone’s asshole you expect it to be the pasty white of a fresh snowfall, correct? Well then, as famous philosopher Thomas Hobbs said in order to do what’s right for humanity, go to your local Walmart and pick up a tube of anal bleach, preferably an anal bleach that contains a nice soothing aloe to help cool the burning sensation in your beautiful cavern.

Machiavelli

Is asshole bleaching dangerous? Sure! But Niccolo Machiavelli famously said, “never was anything great achieved without danger.” Let those words embolden you as you read the ingredients in your asshole bleaching cream. You may ask yourself “what is Kojic acid?” You may not want to put something that contains acid on one of the most sensitive parts of your body. Don’t let that stop you. Let Machiavelli’s soothing words echo through the centuries, straight into your butthole. Whisper them to yourself to cool the burn of your (formerly) brown starfish.

Kant

You may be thinking surely there are other ways I can consider the topic of asshole bleaching without actually putting a bunch of chemicals on my asshole? Surely there must be some way to learn without experiencing? I ask you to please consider this quote from Immanuel Kant’s 1781 Critique Of Pure Reason.

“That all our knowledge begins with experience there can be no doubt. For how is it possible that the faculty of cognition should be awakened into exercise otherwise than by means of objects which affect our senses, and partly of themselves produce representations, partly rouse our powers of understanding into activity, to compare to connect, or to separate these, and so to convert the raw material of our sensuous impressions into a knowledge of objects, which is called experience?” In other words, in order to truly consider it you must experience it. So get in there and get yourself the smooth porcelain asshole of a china doll.

Suspiciously No Comment?

Were there great philosophers who were startlingly silent on the topic of asshole bleaching? Of course. You’ll notice the father of Western Philosophy Socrates was strangely tight-lipped on the subject. Hypatia, the Hellenistic Neoplatonist female philosopher never uttered a word about asshole or bleaching. Even modern-day philosophical powerhouses like Slavoj Zizek remain uncommunicative on the topic.

I don’t venture to attempt to ascertain the reason for these philosophers’ reserve. I only beg that as you ponder to bleach or not to bleach you consider all factors. Especially, the words of those enlightened adventurers who have gone before us. I may not be able to convince you of the necessity of bleaching your asshole. However, surely these great thinkers must be able to sway you toward the absolute necessity of an alabaster tater star.

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