We’ve all been there. You saunter outside to check your mail after a refreshing cup of matcha, only to end up with both hands covered in fecal matter. Someone pooped in your mailbox again. While you might be inclined to think it’s just some local teens, the reality is it could be anyone. And that’s where at-home genetic testing comes in.
1.) 23 and Me
This DNA test asks you to provide a spit sample, but you can still scoop that poop into the tiny vial they give you. When the lab technician receives a tube full of human feces (and also probably smeared on the outside—it’s hard to be precise when it’s so small), he or she will know exactly what to do with it.
You should receive a full report on what diseases the person who’s been taking a deuce on your Ikea catalogue might be at risk for. You’ll know if they’re predisposed to hypertension and certain types of cancers. You might also find that caffeine is more likely to make them hyper, and that there’s a chance they’ll go bald (if they’re male). Does this sound like anyone you know? Maybe Gary from work?
2.) National Geographic’s Geno 2.0
Does this person’s ancestors have a proclivity for pooping? You’ll find out in the comprehensive genetic report. You’ll be able to narrow down your list of suspects to someone who’s 99.8% European (30% French and German, 30% British and Irish, 30% Broadly European, and 9.8% Broadly Northwest European). Ringing any bells?
3.) The Dog Breed Identification Test
Remember, this shit might not be human. Even it was absolutely, 100% was put there by one (dogs lack the opposable thumbs to open your mailbox). This test will tell you if that scat comes from a Pomeranian-Husky mix, or from just some asshole who gets his jollies pulling down his trousers and defecating inside your personal property.
Note: While you don’t have to worry about these companies storing your genetic data (because it’s somebody else’s), you do have to worry about scientists using your adversary’s genetic material to clone them. You’ll end up with twice the poop on your hands. Literally. So proceed at your own risk.
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