Your success in your field has afforded you the opportunity to stay at some of the poshest hotels in the world. Subsequently, each and every one of these posh hotels has, for one reason or another, permanently banned you from entering or being within 1,000 ft. of their property. These are some of those posh hotels.
Emirates Palace — Abu Dhabi
This literal palace has a lofty reputation for its world-class amenities that took you only an afternoon and a bottle of butterscotch schnapps to tarnish. Guests from all over the world come to marvel at its over 1,000 Swarovski crystal chandeliers, only 13 of which you got to swing from before you were escorted off the premises. A stay at the Emirates Palace guarantees you’ll be hobnobbing with oil tycoons and titans of global industry, all of whom were turned off by your pitch for “sharks but huggable.”
The Plaza — New York City
This legendary New York hotel is known the world over, as are the doughnuts you spun in its lobby with a go-cart. A lot of people assume you drove the go-kart up the main steps into the lobby, but really, you got in through the roof, which has baffled the authorities for years. Kudos!
The Westin Excelsior — Rome
You can’t talk about the Westin Excelsior because of the gag order, but if you could, you’d have to mention the Villa La Cupola Suite. This lavish room fit for a Roman Emperor recently underwent a magnificent $7 million renovation to scrape off the ravioli you slingshot onto every surface of the two full floors the room occupies. You ravioli’d the exquisite antique furniture, the grand piano, and the hand-painted cathedral dome ceilings. You even gummed up the jets in the private Jacuzzi. Perhaps most impressive is how you cleaned out the ravioli reserves of every restaurant within 5 miles to do it.
Marquis Los Cabos — Cabo San Lucas
George Clooney, who owned a private villa right next door to this luxurious Mexican getaway, no longer owns it after your brief stay. Before you, no one ever wondered if the “infinity” in “infinity pool” referenced the duration you could remain in the pool until you elevated this semantic argument to the point of police intervention. Many of the hotel’s most luxurious rooms offer balconies where guests can spot migrating whales or you in a speedboat using the whales as ramps to perform sweet jumps.
Burj al Arab — Dubai
The staff of the hotel built to look like a ship’s sail as it catches the wind thought it was cute when you told them that if they weren’t careful, you were “going to sail this hotel away!” They thought it was annoying when you kept saying it despite telling you to stop. They stared in slack-jawed disbelief when you actually did it. No one underestimates you. Not now. Not ever.