Amazing Products 100% Not Involved In The Murder I’ve Been Accused Of

Online shopping can be really overwhelming, but that’s why the Internet has people like me to help. I have tested the best of the best, and I’m here to recommend this set of incredible products that I happen to be offering* and has absolutely nothing at all to do with the recent unsolved disappearance of Ms. Ivanovna, the wealthy and hermetic landlady who lived upstairs.

These Super-Absorbent Towels

I don’t think I’m alone when I say I love a good shower—all that water, hot to the point where you can barely stand it, steaming up your bathroom and searing away at your skin. Sometimes, I feel like I need to spend hours and hours in near-boiling water, scrubbing myself with steel wool just to rid myself of stains.

And boy, do these towels feel great afterwards! The soft touch of the 100% genuine Turkish cotton gives you a feeling that the future isn’t written and maybe forgiveness is possible. Plus, I can personally vouch for the fact that two or three of them can absorb a full five (five!) liters of liquid without any lasting stains or traces of DNA.

This Set Of Leather-Bound Philosophy Texts

With rhino-leather bindings, luxurious high-weight linen pages, and meticulous attention to details, these classic editions of the great works of existentialist philosophy are a true treasure to posses as you consider questions like “Is truly everything permitted?” and “Are the Napoleons of the world, history’s great men, just those with the will to do what the weak will not consider?”

This Incredible Knife Set

When it comes to knives, quality counts. You want high-end carbonate steel with a point that won’t bend. These knives can slice through bone if it necessary, even though I, at least, would never need to do that.

These Bags Full Of Teeth And Hair

Why would you want this? I don’t know, but the detective who keeps coming around my apartment sure does, so they must have some value. Maybe you want something to just stare at for hours and hours at a time until you return to consciousness of the present only to realize the doorbell is ringing and you can’t remember how long that’s been happening. Maybe you want to make a necklace. I don’t know your life, and I’m not here to ask questions. Neither are you.

These Keys To A Safe Deposit Box In An Undisclosed Location

These high-quality steel keys are available for immediate shipping. Each will grant you access to a top-of-the-line security deposit box. You don’t need to know what’s in the box or where it is. Let’s just say that, should you discover the box, there’s definitely not a big pile of money to keep you quiet about what else is in the box. Why would you want the keys to a box I’d prefer you not open but will entice you to be discreet about if you do? Well, for one thing, you would be doing me a huge favor. I really need to not have these keys in my possession. Also, look at them. They’re pretty, right?

*All items are available for immediate shipping only outside of the jurisdiction of the Cayahoga County Police Department. Name your price. International deliveries preferred.

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